Need to Belong

There is a basic/fundamental need to belong to social groups. People have discovered that to do more in life than merely scrape by, they need to work together with others in order to succeed in living. There are hurdles on the way to this preferred social setting. People need to have common ground upon which to agree before they can come together for the greater good of all involved. They need agreement on beliefs, values, attitudes, and behaviors to reduce the chance of the group becoming chaotic and erratic. The commonality needed also lends to the good of all. This may be more important than the avoidance of disunity.

People will learn to bend to rules of others as they move toward unity. This bending becomes contagious because as more people bend, others who see this conformity will likely feel obligated to bend and follow the crowd. People will often conform even when they are in a group of complete strangers. Going along with the flow is the, perceived, easiest way to avoid negatively standing out in the crowd. That being said, the strongest urge to conform and fulfill the need to belong comes when a person loves and cares about the others in the group. Within families and groups of close friends this is called normative social influence. People with self-esteem issues are more easily influenced in this way.

Non-conformity within the group is often considered deviant behavior even if the behavior is well within the social norms of society at large. Behaving outside of the group’s norms may well get a person ejected from a group. Churches provide too many examples to even begin to discuss in this forum, but suffice it to say that one of the major failures of the local church is the way they treat people who are different, and do not yet have the proper understanding of why they need to conform.

Our country is an individualist culture, but there is an irony in the fact that normative social influence is so pervasive.

What is the social impact of the normative social influence? Fads and fashion are the first two areas that come to mind. The most powerful areas are racial and political. Look at the rhetoric in the news, within congress, and within groups of differing ethnicities where the differences in norms are most acute.

Changing a person’s behavior on this level is easy or tough based on the context and personal preferences of the individual and the group. This is the plight of the local church today. Churches need to create environments with guard-rails wide enough to include as many as possible without compromising the standards. It is my goal in life to help churches do this very thing. It should be the goal of every church to help people with their need to belong.

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My Way or the Highway

Conflict has been a part of life since the Adam and Eve decided to things their way in Garden of Eden. There are several different ways we can handle conflict when it arises. We can solve problems in three basic ways, by force, talking, or being passive. By far the most preferred method, in my opinion, is to talk things out when trying to resolve conflicts.

Resolving conflict in a way that creates a win-win situation requires us to recognize there can be more than one way to solve a problem. Often people will buy into a “one solution” mindset. They believe that there is only one way to solve any conflict. This can take the form of focusing on their own position too much, and trying to power their solution through, or they take a passive approach, and give in to the other person without question. Either way, when people focus on only one way to solve a problem, they miss a whole range of possible answers.

Communication is the key to effectively resolving conflict. Once a conflict arises there are some steps to take that will help foster a win-win solution. First, the parties can negotiate, or use bargaining techniques, to reach a mutually agreeable solution. This is usually the fastest, less time consuming, and more flexible way to handle conflict. Because it is voluntary, both parties usually end up retaining something they want, and therefore, it is a good way to arrive at a win-win situation. The downside is that sometimes the stronger or more knowledgeable party can get an unfair advantage. If negotiation fails, the parties can then turn to mediation. Mediation is basically adding a third party to the negotiation. The difference is the role of the third party. Their role is to facilitate communication between the conflicting parties, and bring them to a clearer understanding of the big picture as well as the details. The third party will help the conflicting parties explore options for resolution, and hopefully arrive at a win-win point. The killer of mediation is dead-lock. This would necessitate moving into arbitration. When the conflicting parties have dead-locked, arbitration is the next logical step. Arbitration is the use of an outside party, hopefully non-biased, who will hear the arguments of both conflicting parties, and reach a solution that both parties have agreed, before hand, in which to abide. The up side of arbitration as opposed to negotiation and mediation is that it always comes to a resolution for the conflict. It does not matter how the parties feel about the outcome they are bound by the conclusion. The big negative in arbitration is that it ignores the relational aspect of the conflict, and it almost always produces, if not real sometimes often perceived, a win-lose outcome. The pattern is clear, the harder it is to reach a resolution, the less likely it will be to have a win-win outcome.

For the Christian, we have a great guide for resolving conflicts in Matthew 18,

¹⁵"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. ¹⁶But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.'¹⁷If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. (NIV)

This passage can cut both ways. If we feel we have been wronged, we have a clear picture of how we are supposed to handle the conflict. If someone comes to us claiming we are the wrong doers we still have a path to resolution.

In conflict, the surest way to a win-lose outcome will always be “my way, or the highway.”

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The Quest for Change – Persuasion/Motivation

Persuasion, as a method via sermons, has proved to be an indispensible way to share the gospel. It is employed to help people drop their defenses, and allow the Holy Spirit to work in their heart. This method is aided by the extrinsic motivation of that same Holy Spirit working through the preacher. The preacher becomes the external source of motivation. When things go well, intrinsic motivation can fulfill its purpose because, although theology is complex, the gospel is a simple message.
Point of Tension
At this point, prayerfully, the preacher’s words and the work of the Holy Spirit move the listeners to experience introjected motivation as the tension builds in their hearts and minds. They should come to a point of tension and realize their “lostness.” They should have a better understanding of their shortcomings. The persuasive sermon leads to this point. That tension comes in part due to the recognition of felt needs.
Peter Says
The Apostle Peter tells us why, even after we are converted, we need to hear persuasive preaching,
“12So I will always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have” (NIV).
Felt or Not
Needs, felt or not, are shaped over time. Of all the needs that do develop throughout life, the need to affiliate seems to be the most common. It probably originated with the family unit and a sense of belonging. People desire harmonious relationships, and as a result they are subject to adjust their behavior to conform to the group, or seek approval from the group in which they wish to affiliate. In the church context in general, and the pastor-member relation in particular, people are happiest when the give-and-take within the relationship is equal. This quest for equality comes about from strong feelings about social norms about fairness. People tend to flourish service wise, spiritual wise, and interpersonal wise in church when they feel they are being spiritually fed. That feeling comes, first and foremost, from persuasive preaching.


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