Who You Are...Really...

You tell the world who you are in a million different ways. Some are subtle, some are not. It really doesn't seem to matter because this world has already got you placed in a nice, neat little box.

When you were born they put you in that box, and slapped a label on it. That way they could keep things organized, and not have to think about what’s inside. 

Over time you learn to make yourself comfortable, packaging your identity into different combinations until you feel like you belong and can wear your labels proudly.

But there’s a part of you that never really found a home and got tossed around in categories that couldn’t do you justice. You look around at other people, trying to judge how loosely they fit in their own lives sensing an entanglement of confusion hidden beneath a name tag.

And you realize we’re still only strangers, who assume we already know what the other is going to say, as if the only thing left to talk about is who belongs in what category and which labels are offensive.

You have to wonder if these boxes are falling apart. If we should be writing our identities by hand, speaking only for ourselves, in our own words, taking our chances out in the open and meet each other as we are, asking: “What is it like being you?” —and be brave enough to admit that we don’t already know the answer.

Maybe it’ll mean that we’ve finally arrived, just “unpacking the boxes” making ourselves at home.

Maybe we’ll look back and wonder how we managed to live in the same house for so long, and never stop to introduce ourselves.

TJ

Why Do You Want to Be Liked?

Social desirability is a basic motivation that drives us based on what others think about us. It has a huge effect on how people behave and is the basis for our need for approval and to be liked.

Our society is founded on the very force we call desirability.

We all have a significant need for a sense of identity and many people create this through interactions and relationships with other people.

It is often said that we socially construct ourselves, creating our own image of ourselves through the eyes of other people, as in the 'Looking-glass self'. Even those who seem to have less concern for others are often markedly affected by this.

Maybe it is natural for us to want to have a positive self-image, considering ourselves clever, popular and so on. That being the case, we tend to construct ourselves in as positive a way as we can. On any desirable social scale, most people consider themselves above average (which is statistically impossible).

If others act as if they do not like us or disapprove of us in some way, then we are forced to consider that we are bad or wrong in some way. This creates a powerful and uncomfortable cognitive dissonance that drives us harder to find ways to appear (at least to ourselves) more socially desirable.

We also create ourselves through our associations, our families, friends, job, religion, nationality and so on. We join groups and internalize their cultures, including beliefs and values, we accept their rules and connect our identities to theirs.

Once these links are created, we become afraid of losing them, because we assume that being cast out of a group is to lose a part of who you are (or at least who you think you are).

Important identity-related needs include the need to endure the socially constructed self and to protect our associations. 

This forms our basic need for:

    Belonging: Identity created by association with a group.

    Esteem: Being respected by others.

    Fairness: Having the same as others.

    Approval: Being approved of by superiors.

    Liking: Being thought of as a friend.

We also have a strong need to avoid the opposite, and avoid disapproval by others, particularly those we identify and respect. To act in contrary ways can be quite terrifying. So, we are often very careful to follow values and social norms.

Sometimes people do not look for, or want, social approval or to be liked, and in fact seem to revel in being disliked (or at least do not care what others think). These people are in the minority.

People with personality disorders such as the Antisocial Personality or the Psychopathic Personality are characterized by a lack of empathy and care very little for social desirability (only in the way that it can be manipulated to meet their goals). Narcissists may appear to be opposite, caring greatly about social desirability, yet they will also manipulate and be unpleasant to others in their empty search for praise.

Many people also fall into the comforting pattern of repeating unhelpful games/behaviors that may lead to them being persecuted or vilified. Even if they know this, they often seem unable to break out of the habit and may seek the support of others in their attempt to become more socially desirable.

Bottom line- When we interact with others, try to remember how important it is for them to be liked, approved of, or looked up to just as much as we want to be liked, approved of, or looked up to ourselves.

TJ

 

Do You Really Know You???

Individuals may be better understood when viewed through time. The best way might be to build (writing / putting together) a life-history, our own or of someone else, that can act as the glue that connects seemingly separate events in a coherent story. It is a thread of time that connects and creates a sense of one-ness, explaining the present and future in relation to the past.

When we think of life-histories, we almost always think in terms of a biography. The problem with biographies is that a description from one viewpoint of a life-history can never completely describe all events. It can, however, act to communicate a coherent perception even though there may be plenty of misunderstanding and illusion remaining.

Autobiographies are also flawed in that while they may or may not be honest, it is a singular viewpoint from 'inside the machine' that can never be objective. They do, however, give meaning to the individual as they stitch together events and find personal meaning.

Bourdieu (1987) notes that constructing a life-history has less to do with being a reflection of life itself, but more to do with being a technique for reconstructing experience, a device for producing the experience of self as being in harmony. He also believes that while the 'unified-self' is not a complete illusion, it neither is natural nor fundamentally human. Society includes many individualizing methods. 

As an example, he describes a person's name like this:

"The proper name is the visible affirmation of the identity of the bearer across time and space, the basis of the unity of one's successive manifestations, and of the socially accepted possibilities of integrating these manifestations in official records, curriculum vitae, cursus honorum, police record, obituary, or biography which constitute life as a finite sum through the verdict given in a temporary or final reckoning." (Bourdieu, 1987)

The life-history 'illusion' is that a proper name refers to a group of features or traits that define the permanent core of a 'self' that exists before the history. 

Bourdieu claims that no such basis exists, and that legal, governmental and beautiful personalities are not related, therefore making it difficult to identify a single 'person'. In the legal sense, many attributes of the person are conferred rather than are intrinsic.

What would your life-history look like?

Have you ever thought about it?

Would you like to better understand who you really are???

TJ

Works Cited:

Bourdieu, P. (1987). The biographical illusion. Working Papers and Proceedings of the Centre for Psychosocial Studies (Univ. of Chicago) 14, 1-7