Normal Family?

“Normal” seems to be a moving target when discussing the family. Walsh claims that “normal” is not usable category when trying to describe the family and that family should be defined more in terms of markers present. 

I believe that cultural shifting probably plays some role in what most people consider a normal family. The basic Christian belief that all humans are created in the image of God, and therefore equally valuable before God, should be the mantra that equalizes the differences between. However, societal/cultural shifting concerning the value and dignity of human life has contributed to the diminishing role of this Christian belief. Culture has shifted to more of a comparative view of people, and when we compare ourselves to each other we soon find that no family is “normal.”

The thought process behind comparing, whether we understand it or not, views people more in terms of worthiness, honor, success, and just about any other attribute we might inject into the comparison.

I’m off the soap-box now.

Assessing normality seems to be a very arduous task. Do we base our evaluation of a family on sociological, psychological, or biological factors? What I have learned is that to properly evaluate a family one must include all of the above to varying degrees. From a secular point of view, families need to be groups that provide for the basic needs of the members of the group such as food, money, shelter, psychological support, and problem solving. 

However, I might offer a few thoughts about what constitutes a “normal” family. I would suggest the idea that normal families can have some minor problems and even major problems although these should be few. “Normal” families can have communication problems, and they often will. The reason, I suggest, is that although God created everything and called it “Good.” Man (and woman) fell into sin, and therefore no matter how perfect a family may seem, there will never be a perfect family situation. We are not capable of normal. So, how do I define “normal?” “Normal” is the family that amidst all of life’s struggles, including social, psychological, and biological, strive to maintain God’s original design for the family (two people helping one another, loving one another, and serving those around them). This is how they show Christ-like behavior toward those within the family group, and to those outside the family group.

Do you think that trying to maintain a "traditional family" makes it a "normal family"? 

If so, why?

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THEOLOGY OF THE FAMILY

God performed the first marriage ceremony in the Garden of Eden. God Himself said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NASB). We find marriage referred to, or defined as, a “covenant” in Malachi 2:14. These two references are the basis for the first and most important ingredient in the design of the family, the marriage of two individuals into one family. A very important point to remember is that the institution of marriage was set up by God before the Fall of man, and it is considered part of God’s original creation. It is not a man-made institution. It is equally as important to remember that marriage is used throughout the New Testament as a picture of Jesus and His followers. It is also a profound reference to Jesus’ return, “But at midnight there was a shout, ‘Behold, the bridegroom! Come out to meet him” (Matt. 25:6, NASB). How does all of this fit into the realm of psychology in general, and specifically why is it important to the Christian counselor? The answer to these questions can be found in this one simple, yet profound statement, “Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18, NASB). If this statement is true, and I believe that it is true, the Biblical family structure is a key, if not the key, to healthy relationships on all levels.

What is a Christian Family?
The purpose of the family is primarily made up of three components. The first is relationships. Francis Schaeffer describes the relationships of a Christian this way,
“A Christian’s first call is to step from the line of Cain into the line of Abel, upon the basis of the shed blood of the Lamb of God, to return to the first commandment to love God, to love the brotherhood, and then to love one’s neighbor as himself” (Schaeffer, 1972).
Relationships form the foundation for a Christian family. There is an order to those relationships as well. If we do not get the order right, none of the relations will work in accordance to God’s plan for the family. This is why it is important to help people realize that to even begin to get one’s life on the right path; we must have a proper view of who God is, and what our relationship with Him should look like. Only then can we be in right relationships with family, friends, and others outside our immediate circles.
Nurture is the second component of a Christian family. The family should help one another along the road of life. Children need parents to provide for their basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter. Older adults need their grown children to help care for them, and to return the care once provided to them. One of the greatest explanations of what nurture looks like from a Christian perspective is found in 21 Days to a Great Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. In this book the word nudge can be used interchangeably with nurture,
“We all need nudges in our marriages. Nudges have to do with seeing that each of you can be more than you are and helping each other on that path. They have to do with our expectations of each other. You are to love each other enough to expect your partner to grow into more than he/she is right now” (Cloud & Townsend, 2006).
A Christian family is one that nurtures each other to grow. To grow physically healthy, mentally stronger and learned, and socially relatable. When relationships are right and nurturing within the family is right, supporting one another through times of trial becomes possible.
Support is the third component of the Christian family. Our example of support as Christians should come from the life of Jesus Christ. Jesus had much to say about helping others. The story of the Good Samaritan is a great illustration of what true support looks like. When a family member has a problem, the other members are there to support that member. Support can mean many things. It can mean an ear to listen, words of advice, help in seeking medical care, help with material needs, and the list could go on and on. The Christian family will support each other because they love one another. The writer of Hebrews paints an outstanding picture of why families can support each other. We do not have Jesus as an example of someone that does not know our pain and suffering. We have a savior that has been in the trenches of life with us, and expects us to live like He lived and help others in the same way He helps us, “For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:15-16).

Biblical Perspective
The Old Testament picture of the family focused on the earthly father at the ex-facto head of the household and everything else family related. The Old Testament family included the immediate family, animals owned, friends, and even visiting strangers.
However, the New Testament pictures the family with a focus on the Heavenly Father. The New Testament family is built on love, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25, NASB). It is built on love between one man and one woman, “But from the beginning of creation, God MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Mark 10:6-9, NASB). And once united, the marital relationship is permanent, “And He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery” (Mark 10:11-12, NASB). This permanency is also reiterated in Luke 16:18.
There should also be a mutual sharing in family relationships. The imperative to share is so ingrained into the family that the Bible tells us that even our bodies are not our own to withhold from our spouse (1 Corinthians 7:4).
Children are also important to the Christian family. Bearing children is a way for believers to become co-creators by helping earthly children become children of God, “it is not the children of the flesh who are children of God, but the children of the promise are regarded as descendants” (Romans 9:8, NASB). This is an awesome responsibility, but equally an awesome privilege. With great privilege comes great responsibility.
Discipline must be included within the Christian family. Discipline is not just something an adult administers; it is a matter of life and death,
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), SO THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1-4).
However, discipline within the home as it pertains to children is not an option. Being a friend to your child seems to be the mantra of the day, but that is the world’s way of child-rearing. The Bible instructs Christians to discipline children while they are young, “Discipline your son while there is hope” (Proverbs 19:18, NASB). Proverbs 12 tells us that if we shun discipline we are “stupid.” That is what the scripture says, we are “stupid” if we do not love discipline. Love here does not mean to take delight in, but because of the love we have we want better for our children or even ourselves. Dr. James Dobson writes that there is a critical period in a child’s life where discipline is very effective, and specifically effective as it relates to God. He says, “Their concepts of right and wrong,…are formulated during this time, and their view of God begins to solidify” (Dobson, Dare to Discipline, 1973). How important it is to raise a child in a Christian family. Leaving children to their own devices during their formative years can contribute to improper understandings of right and wrong as adults.
There is a commitment to the family that is paramount to wellbeing of those within the family. Christians are commanded to commit to one another. This command encompasses those in the immediate family and those within the larger community of faith, “So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith” (Galatians 6:10, NASB). Christians should bear one another’s burdens, and within the family bearing each other’s burdens can be the glue that holds a family together through trial upon trial.

Culture’s Influence on the Church
Propaganda is the key that starts the car of doubt which can race around in circles in our mind. Sam Roberts, of the New York Times, said, “married couples, as a proportion of American households are declining, and are now in the minority” (Roberts, 2006). That sounds terrible at first glance, but a deeper understanding of the details reveals a very skewed and manipulated study that would not be worthy of any first year college student. Roberts wasn’t concerned with the accuracy of the numbers, he just wanted to make a point. Why would he put out something so blatantly wrong? Two words, The Fall.
Since the fall of man we have wanted to get as far removed from God as possible. It is our sin nature, and it is that simple. A Christian waiting in the doctor’s office might have read this article and think “I guess all is lost for traditional marriage,” but how wrong they would have been. If only they had all the facts. The dominant culture wants to re-define everything. So it is no wonder that marriage and the family are under attack. With the rate of divorce in the church keeping pace with the rate among non-believers, or in some cases surpassing them, do we really think the church is having influence over the culture?
People are marrying later, marrying less, and divorcing more. There is a prevailing idea within society that marriage is optional. The media and entertainment businesses glorify living together out of wedlock as not just an alternative, but a preferable way to live. At this rate the family, as an institution created by God, could be in big trouble. In 2000 the U.S. Census estimated about 10 million people in America live with someone of the opposite sex, and even worse 1.2 million live with same-sex partners (Census, 2000). Current trends should be cause for concern because the trendier life-styles include replacing marriage with cohabitation, accepting divorce as a convenient way to resolve petty problems without concern for the children that might be involved. Then there is the problem of people having children out of wedlock. This seems to be happening more and more, and could be a symptom of a deeper issue. There seems to be a growing disconnect between having children and getting married. Then we have the church lamenting that they should be non-judgmental, open arms to all without accountability for any. This is seen in no more powerful way than through the attack on the family. Dr. James Dobson lays the foundation to help understand how the church has lost its influence, “One of the earliest and most damaging blows came in 1969, when the world’s first no-fault divorce law…was signed into law in California. With a stroke of the pen ‘till death do us part’ became optional” (Dobson, Marriage Under Fire, 2004). As if this was not bad enough, same-sex couples have become the “norm” in some states. How does the church respond to the newest threat to the family? Again, I admire the words of Dr. Dobson,
“we are obligated as Christians to treat homosexuals respectfully and with dignity, but we are also to oppose, with all vigor, the radical changes they hope to impose on the nation. It is vitally important that we do so” (Dobson, Marriage Under Fire, 2004).

Christian Counseling and the Family
Like all created things, marriage and the family should glorify God. They should be a reflection of His holiness and his grace. “That is they exist to magnify the truth and worth and beauty and greatness of God” (Grudem, 2002). We are created for God’s glory, and this fact forms the basic building blocks for my beliefs concerning family therapy. God Speaks through the prophet Isaiah and says this regarding Israel (though it applies to all), “Bring My sons from afar And My daughters from the ends of the earth, Everyone who is called by My name, And whom I have created for My glory” (Isaiah 43:6b-7, NASB). The key words here are “My glory.” We are to be the glory of God for others. God is the starting point for all things. Everything that exists is a result of our creative God.
“That is the starting place for understanding marriage. If we get this wrong, everything goes wrong. And if we get it right – really right, in our heads and in our hearts – then marriage will be transformed by it” (Grudem, 2002).

The Counselor
From a counseling perspective, I believe the starting point for building a relationship is helping the person I sit across from understand that they are created in the image of God. I believe there is a need for that person to have a grasp, although sometimes loosely in the beginning, on this fact. It is foundational to the way I approach counseling. Christian counseling without the integration of the scriptures is not Christian at all. Historically, many people have sought out the priest, pastor, or preacher whenever they have needed some to talk to that could help them with whatever situation they were dealing with at the time. Those people were more than likely taken to the scriptures in order to help them understand their given situation within the context of what God expects from them, and what He will do for them as well. A problem is “understood only as it is evaluated Biblically” (Adams, 1976). The potential for positive impact using this type of approach is immense. Why? The potential is great because “Christian psychology is one that is faithful to reality” (Myers, 2003). For Christian counseling to have any chance for success in the future, it must reflect the truth of reality. The Bible offers a very real look into the mirror of life. What is says about any given topic corresponds to reality. The explanations are not always as exhaustive as one would like, but they are thorough enough to bring understanding to a given topic. As far as counseling goes, one need only look to this passage from the Apostle Paul for confirmation about the use of scripture within counseling,
“For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, so that through perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope” (Romans 15:4, NASB).
The words of Paul give encouragement that no matter how far away from God the secular counseling world goes, we can have refuge in knowing that His word is sufficient, and that through using it we can teach and encourage others.

The Battle Ahead
Christians must allow Scripture to be the lens through which they not only view psychology, but it must become the lens through which they see everything in the world. With this in mind, reading and understanding the discoveries of secular psychology should never be omitted from the process of understanding the field as a whole. The main thought to keep in mind however is to always filter those readings through Scripture. So many times the temptation is there to find a theory, approach, or a method one might like and then search out verses to reinforce their preferences. This is reminiscent of how J.Vernon McGee used to define liberalism, “the pulpit trying to make the unsaved church member happy” (McGee). Eric Johnson, in Foundations for Soul Care, does not suggest that Christians engaged in counseling should only study the Bible, but they must have a Biblical template (or lens) that allows them to study secular psychology with the aim to glorify God through their practice.

Where Do We Go
As I have studied psychology, and watched how many Christian universities have begun programs to be more active in teaching people from a Christian point-of-view it gives some hope for the future of counseling. The passé styles of the 1960’s and 1970’s seem to be fading as more Christians become involved in counseling. Avoiding a synthesis of secular and Christian views will always be the key to advancing a proper understanding of Christian based counseling. No matter if one likes the Rogerian idea that we can help ourselves, which is entirely anti-scriptural, or Jung’s ideas of archetypes we must always remember that it is integration (how behavior fits into scripture, and how scripture responds) and not synthesis (or a blending of secular and sacred ideas) that will truly help people. We need to work on helping people understand what a Biblical model of the family looks like.

End Where We Began
Relationships are important to God. In Genesis God brought the family into existence. Jesus has provided an example of Godly behavior. He has given us something to compare our live to, “Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus” (Romans 15:5, NASB).

The Process
When problems arise within the family there are Biblical answers to resolve them. We are to forgive others as God has forgiven us. The world might say “just forget them,” but the Bible says, “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32, NASB). The world says we are to love ourselves, but the Bible says we are to love one another sacrificially, “walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:2, NASB). The world says “me first,” but the Bible tells us to put others first, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3, NASB). The world says, “It’s not my fault,” “I’m the victim,” but the Bible teaches that we are to take responsibility for our actions, “For each one will bear his own load” (Galatians 6:5, NASB). The world wants us to tell it to Dr. Phil and Oprah, but the Bible says that a Christian should, “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29, NASB).






Works Cited
All Scripture is from the New American Standard Bible (NASB)
Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation
Adams, J. E. (1976). What About Nouthetic Counseling? Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House.

Census, U. S. (2000). America's Families and Living Arrangements. Current Population Report.

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2006). 21 Days to a Great Marriage. Franklin, Tennessee: Integrity Publishers.
Dobson, J. (1973). Dare to Discipline (11th ed.). Wheaton, Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers.

Dobson, J. (2004). Marriage Under Fire. Sisters, Oregon: Multnomah Publishers, INC.

Grudem, W. (2002). Biblical Foundations for Manhood and Womanhood. Wheaton, Illinois: Crossway Books.

Johnson, E. L. (2010). Psychology and Christianity: Five Views (2nd Edition ed.). (E. L. Johnson, Ed.) Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press.

McGee, J. V. (n.d.). Thu The Bible Radio MP3 Archives. Retrieved October 11, 2011, from Truth e-Bible: http://thruthebible.ca/

Myers, D. a. (2003). Psychology Through The Eyes Of Faith. New York: Harper Collins.

Roberts, S. (2006, October 15). "It's Official: To Be Married Means To Be Out Numbered". New York Times , p. 22.

Schaeffer, F. A. (1972). Genesis in Space and Time. Downers Grove, Illinois: InterVarsity Press.






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