Why Do You Want to Be Liked?

Social desirability is a basic motivation that drives us based on what others think about us. It has a huge effect on how people behave and is the basis for our need for approval and to be liked.

Our society is founded on the very force we call desirability.

We all have a significant need for a sense of identity and many people create this through interactions and relationships with other people.

It is often said that we socially construct ourselves, creating our own image of ourselves through the eyes of other people, as in the 'Looking-glass self'. Even those who seem to have less concern for others are often markedly affected by this.

Maybe it is natural for us to want to have a positive self-image, considering ourselves clever, popular and so on. That being the case, we tend to construct ourselves in as positive a way as we can. On any desirable social scale, most people consider themselves above average (which is statistically impossible).

If others act as if they do not like us or disapprove of us in some way, then we are forced to consider that we are bad or wrong in some way. This creates a powerful and uncomfortable cognitive dissonance that drives us harder to find ways to appear (at least to ourselves) more socially desirable.

We also create ourselves through our associations, our families, friends, job, religion, nationality and so on. We join groups and internalize their cultures, including beliefs and values, we accept their rules and connect our identities to theirs.

Once these links are created, we become afraid of losing them, because we assume that being cast out of a group is to lose a part of who you are (or at least who you think you are).

Important identity-related needs include the need to endure the socially constructed self and to protect our associations. 

This forms our basic need for:

    Belonging: Identity created by association with a group.

    Esteem: Being respected by others.

    Fairness: Having the same as others.

    Approval: Being approved of by superiors.

    Liking: Being thought of as a friend.

We also have a strong need to avoid the opposite, and avoid disapproval by others, particularly those we identify and respect. To act in contrary ways can be quite terrifying. So, we are often very careful to follow values and social norms.

Sometimes people do not look for, or want, social approval or to be liked, and in fact seem to revel in being disliked (or at least do not care what others think). These people are in the minority.

People with personality disorders such as the Antisocial Personality or the Psychopathic Personality are characterized by a lack of empathy and care very little for social desirability (only in the way that it can be manipulated to meet their goals). Narcissists may appear to be opposite, caring greatly about social desirability, yet they will also manipulate and be unpleasant to others in their empty search for praise.

Many people also fall into the comforting pattern of repeating unhelpful games/behaviors that may lead to them being persecuted or vilified. Even if they know this, they often seem unable to break out of the habit and may seek the support of others in their attempt to become more socially desirable.

Bottom line- When we interact with others, try to remember how important it is for them to be liked, approved of, or looked up to just as much as we want to be liked, approved of, or looked up to ourselves.

TJ