We Need a Sense of Identity

  

Beyond the basic need for a sense of control, we are deeply driven by our sense of identity, of who we are. We are in the middle of our individual world, where we place crucial importance on our sense of individual self. As Descartes said, ‘I think, therefore I am.’ Many social theories are to do with creating or preserving our sense of identity.

Identity and needs

Psychologist Abraham Maslow defined a hierarchy of needs, with the specific revelation that when lower level needs are not met, then higher-level needs will be abandoned in favor of shoring up the deeper needs.

The needs:

What can be clearly seen here is that the upper three levels are about the person and their sense of self. This can be contrasted with the bottom two levels, which are about control.

Identity formation

The sense of identity appears early on in life as the infant begins to separate themselves from an indistinguishable unity with their mother. A mirror image of themselves can provide the sudden shock of realizing that they are separate beings.

Young children typically cling to a single teddy bear or doll, through which they know their own identity (I am not my teddy). When this ‘transition object,’ as psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott called it, is removed, a part of their identity is lost, causing distress and tears. This pattern continues through our lives as we identify with our possessions and the things around us and feel bad when they are changed or lost.

Individual Identity

We may, to a lesser or greater degree, define ourselves internally, with limited reference to others. Those for who this is a major way of creating identity feel little in common with others. When they are with other people it seems as if those others are somehow taking something of their identity away from them.

Group Identity

We often categorize ourselves in terms of other people and groups. We have learned over time that it is beneficial to live in tribes, where we can share out the work of daily survival. When asked about yourself, you may well describe yourself in terms of your work and family relationships: ‘I work for AB Corporation.’ or ‘I am married to Steve or Mary and have three children.’

Some people put a greater emphasis on group identity. In effect, their sense of identity is created through taking a part of everyone with who they bond and adding it to their own sense of self. In this way, our self becomes a complex, multiple, social being.

If we lost our job, it would not just be the loss of money (affecting our sense of control) that hurt us, but also the loss of relationships and feelings of being outside the company with which we have identified ourselves for so long.

The fear of rejection from the groups with which we identify is a powerful force and just the thought of this is enough to dissuade many people from ever taking their creative ability out of the cupboard where they have locked it for fear of its potential social effects.

Social Comparison

Although we define ourselves by our membership of groups, we also define ourselves by comparison and contrast with others. If we have more than others, we feel superior. If everyone has the same as us, we feel equal.

The size of gaps also matters. If I have a lot more than others, then I feel a lot more superior. I may also feel more isolated as I realize that they may feel envious of me.

This social comparison often appears in forms of status, which is one reason we are driven to purchase status symbols that signals to others (and particularly to ourselves) that we are better in some way - richer or more tasteful, for example.

Social comparison is often along some measure of success, which is itself a social construction. Our sense of identity degrades when we fail - which we often do as we accept constant social escalation of what 'success' means.

Identity Paradoxes

There are several paradoxes we must navigate in our search for ourselves, including:

Me vs. Us

To be allowed to join a group (and hence satisfy belonging and esteem needs), we must give up prioritizing everything for ourselves and be ready to put the group ahead of our own interests. In doing this, we must change our sense of identify from always 'me' to thinking about 'us'. This includes taking on group values and beliefs, even if we do not particularly agree with them.

Perfect Me vs. Real Me

We like to think we are perfect. In fact, we are not that great, and regularly break our values (Are you law-abiding? Yes? So, when did you last exceed the speed limit? Are you thoughtful and kind? So, when did you last criticize a friend?). In practice, we manage to mentally separate these two personas. When they are forced together, we instantly find justification and excuse for our misdemeanors.

Identity Statements

How can you understand how a person derives their sense of identity? An effective way is to watch for 'I' statements.

I can...

Statements of ability show how a person identifies themselves in terms of what they can do. This can be anything from assertion of rights to skills and career item.

I have...

Possessions say a lot about a person. Some possessions are strongly related to how people define themselves, such as cars, clothes and phones. Another very strong 'have' item is about family and people will talk about their children.

I like...

We associate our identity with the things and people we like. This when a person says they like flying or like a particular rock group, they are connecting their self with these and including associated concepts into their identity.

I am...

The verb to be associates any concept very closely with identity and this can be used to connect other types of identification item.

This can include emotions (I am happy), career (I am an accountant), religion (I am Buddhist), social position (I am popular) and so on.

I remember....

We also identify ourselves through our memories and any form or recall, especially of personal and emotionally noteworthy events, younger days and other nostalgia offers further clues to a person's sense of identity.

So, What Now

We will act either to support or threaten other people’s sense of identity.

We can help them join groups. Tell them they are good and attractive. Thank them. Give them recognition and reward for what they do.

Or we can hint that they are not that perfect. Whisper how others might not approve of what they are doing. Criticize them. Ignore them.

Outcomes

Who we are in this world is way more complicated than most people will ever understand. This short writing should help us better hone our interactions with others as they strive to be who they are, and to help us understand who we are. I should help us understand why we do what we do and feel the way we often feel.

KJ

Why Do We Need to Belong?

There is a basic/fundamental need to belong to social groups. People have discovered that to do more in life than merely scrape by, they need to work together with others in order to succeed in living. 

There are hurdles on the way to this preferred social setting. People need to have common ground upon which to agree before they can come together for the greater good of all involved. They need agreement on beliefs, values, attitudes, and behaviors to reduce the chance of the group becoming chaotic and erratic. The commonality needed also lends to the good of all. This may be more important than the avoidance of disunity. 

People will learn to bend to rules of others as they move toward unity. 

This bending becomes contagious because as more people bend, others who see this conformity will likely feel obligated to bend and follow the crowd. 

People will often conform even when they are in a group of complete strangers. Going along with the flow is the, perceived, easiest way to avoid negatively standing out in the crowd. 

That being said, the strongest urge to conform and fulfill the need to belong comes when a person loves and cares about the others in the group. Within families and groups of close friends this is called normative social influence. People with self-esteem issues are more easily influenced in this way. 

  

Non-conformity within the group is often considered deviant behavior even if the behavior is well within the social norms of society at large.

Behaving outside of the group’s norms may well get a person ejected from a group. Churches, for example, provide too many examples to even begin to discuss in this forum, but suffice it to say that one of the major failures of the local church is the way they treat people who are different, and do not yet have the proper understanding of why they need to conform. 

Our country is an individualist culture, but there is an irony in the fact that normative social influence is so pervasive.

What is the social impact of the normative social influence? Fads and fashion are the first two areas that come to mind. The most powerful areas are racial and political. Look at the rhetoric in the news, within congress, and within groups of differing ethnicities where the differences in norms are most acute. 

Changing a person’s behavior on this level is easy or tough based on the context and personal preferences of the individual and the group.

This is the plight of nearly every type of group we could think of today. 

The optimal goal for most groups is to create environments with guard-rails wide enough to include as many as possible without compromising the standards. One of my goals in life is to help groups do this very thing. It would be great if the goal of every group was to help people with their need to belong.

TJ

Why Do You Want to Be Liked?

Social desirability is a basic motivation that drives us based on what others think about us. It has a huge effect on how people behave and is the basis for our need for approval and to be liked.

Our society is founded on the very force we call desirability.

We all have a significant need for a sense of identity and many people create this through interactions and relationships with other people.

It is often said that we socially construct ourselves, creating our own image of ourselves through the eyes of other people, as in the 'Looking-glass self'. Even those who seem to have less concern for others are often markedly affected by this.

Maybe it is natural for us to want to have a positive self-image, considering ourselves clever, popular and so on. That being the case, we tend to construct ourselves in as positive a way as we can. On any desirable social scale, most people consider themselves above average (which is statistically impossible).

If others act as if they do not like us or disapprove of us in some way, then we are forced to consider that we are bad or wrong in some way. This creates a powerful and uncomfortable cognitive dissonance that drives us harder to find ways to appear (at least to ourselves) more socially desirable.

We also create ourselves through our associations, our families, friends, job, religion, nationality and so on. We join groups and internalize their cultures, including beliefs and values, we accept their rules and connect our identities to theirs.

Once these links are created, we become afraid of losing them, because we assume that being cast out of a group is to lose a part of who you are (or at least who you think you are).

Important identity-related needs include the need to endure the socially constructed self and to protect our associations. 

This forms our basic need for:

    Belonging: Identity created by association with a group.

    Esteem: Being respected by others.

    Fairness: Having the same as others.

    Approval: Being approved of by superiors.

    Liking: Being thought of as a friend.

We also have a strong need to avoid the opposite, and avoid disapproval by others, particularly those we identify and respect. To act in contrary ways can be quite terrifying. So, we are often very careful to follow values and social norms.

Sometimes people do not look for, or want, social approval or to be liked, and in fact seem to revel in being disliked (or at least do not care what others think). These people are in the minority.

People with personality disorders such as the Antisocial Personality or the Psychopathic Personality are characterized by a lack of empathy and care very little for social desirability (only in the way that it can be manipulated to meet their goals). Narcissists may appear to be opposite, caring greatly about social desirability, yet they will also manipulate and be unpleasant to others in their empty search for praise.

Many people also fall into the comforting pattern of repeating unhelpful games/behaviors that may lead to them being persecuted or vilified. Even if they know this, they often seem unable to break out of the habit and may seek the support of others in their attempt to become more socially desirable.

Bottom line- When we interact with others, try to remember how important it is for them to be liked, approved of, or looked up to just as much as we want to be liked, approved of, or looked up to ourselves.

TJ