Beyond
the basic need for a sense of control, we are deeply driven by our sense of
identity, of who we are. We are in the middle of our individual world, where we
place crucial importance on our sense of individual self. As Descartes said, ‘I
think, therefore I am.’ Many social theories are to do with creating or
preserving our sense of identity.
Identity
and needs
Psychologist
Abraham Maslow defined a hierarchy of needs, with the specific revelation that
when lower level needs are not met, then higher-level needs will be abandoned
in favor of shoring up the deeper needs.
The
needs:
What
can be clearly seen here is that the upper three levels are about the person
and their sense of self. This can be contrasted with the bottom two levels,
which are about control.
Identity
formation
The
sense of identity appears early on in life as the infant begins to separate
themselves from an indistinguishable unity with their mother. A mirror image of
themselves can provide the sudden shock of realizing that they are separate
beings.
Young
children typically cling to a single teddy bear or doll, through which they
know their own identity (I am not my teddy). When this ‘transition object,’ as
psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott called it, is removed, a part of their identity
is lost, causing distress and tears. This pattern continues through our lives as
we identify with our possessions and the things around us and feel bad when
they are changed or lost.
Individual
Identity
We
may, to a lesser or greater degree, define ourselves internally, with
limited reference to others. Those for who this is a major way of creating
identity feel little in common with others. When they are with other people it
seems as if those others are somehow taking something of their identity away
from them.
Group
Identity
We
often categorize ourselves in terms of other people and groups. We have learned over
time that it is beneficial to live in tribes, where we can share out the work
of daily survival. When asked about yourself, you may well describe yourself in
terms of your work and family relationships: ‘I work for AB Corporation.’ or ‘I
am married to Steve or Mary and have three children.’
Some
people put a greater emphasis on group identity. In effect, their sense of
identity is created through taking a part of everyone with who they bond and
adding it to their own sense of self. In this way, our self becomes a complex,
multiple, social being.
If
we lost our job, it would not just be the loss of money (affecting our sense of
control) that hurt us, but also the loss of relationships and feelings of being
outside the company with which we have identified ourselves for so long.
The
fear of rejection from the groups with which we identify is a powerful force
and just the thought of this is enough to dissuade many people from ever
taking their creative ability out of the cupboard where they have locked it for
fear of its potential social effects.
Social
Comparison
Although
we define ourselves by our membership of groups, we also define ourselves by
comparison and contrast with others. If we have more than others, we feel
superior. If everyone has the same as us, we feel equal.
The
size of gaps also matters. If I have a lot more than others, then I feel a lot
more superior. I may also feel more isolated as I realize that they may feel
envious of me.
This
social comparison often appears in forms of status, which is one reason we are
driven to purchase status symbols that signals to others (and particularly to
ourselves) that we are better in some way - richer or more tasteful, for
example.
Social
comparison is often along some measure of success, which is itself a social
construction. Our sense of identity degrades when we fail - which we often do
as we accept constant social escalation of what 'success' means.
Identity
Paradoxes
There
are several paradoxes we must navigate in our search for ourselves, including:
Me
vs. Us
To
be allowed to join a group (and hence satisfy belonging and esteem needs), we must
give up prioritizing everything for ourselves and be ready to put the group
ahead of our own interests. In doing this, we must change our sense of identify
from always 'me' to thinking about 'us'. This includes taking on group values
and beliefs, even if we do not particularly agree with them.
Perfect
Me vs. Real Me
We
like to think we are perfect. In fact, we are not that great, and regularly
break our values (Are you law-abiding? Yes? So, when did you last exceed the
speed limit? Are you thoughtful and kind? So, when did you last criticize a
friend?). In practice, we manage to mentally separate these two personas. When
they are forced together, we instantly find justification and excuse for our
misdemeanors.
Identity
Statements
How
can you understand how a person derives their sense of identity? An effective
way is to watch for 'I' statements.
I
can...
Statements
of ability show how a person identifies themselves in terms of what they can
do. This can be anything from assertion of rights to skills and career item.
I
have...
Possessions
say a lot about a person. Some possessions are strongly related to how people
define themselves, such as cars, clothes and phones. Another very strong 'have'
item is about family and people will talk about their children.
I
like...
We
associate our identity with the things and people we like. This when a person
says they like flying or like a particular rock group, they are connecting
their self with these and including associated concepts into their identity.
I
am...
The
verb to be associates any concept very closely with identity and this can be
used to connect other types of identification item.
This
can include emotions (I am happy), career (I am an accountant), religion (I am
Buddhist), social position (I am popular) and so on.
I
remember....
We
also identify ourselves through our memories and any form or recall, especially
of personal and emotionally noteworthy events, younger days and other nostalgia
offers further clues to a person's sense of identity.
So,
What Now
We
will act either to support or threaten other people’s sense of identity.
We
can help them join groups. Tell them they are good and attractive. Thank them.
Give them recognition and reward for what they do.
Or
we can hint that they are not that perfect. Whisper how others might not
approve of what they are doing. Criticize them. Ignore them.
Outcomes
Who
we are in this world is way more complicated than most people will ever
understand. This short writing should help us better hone our interactions with
others as they strive to be who they are, and to help us understand who we are.
I should help us understand why we do what we do and feel the way we often
feel.
KJ
