Premarital Counseling
Finding ways to begin this writing has proven to be a
challenge. The point of the paper is to discuss several aspects concerning how
to handle a young couple (emerging adults) that enter into premarital
counseling. This is to be followed by speculating about the same couple coming
back for counseling, having been married for 10 years, and to discuss what
types of conflicts would lead them back into counseling at the ten year mark in
their marriage.
Before diving into a detailed discussion, at least
semi-detailed, covering these areas there must be some clarification regarding
two basic, yet critical, ideas.
Emerging Adults
So many people have so many definitions concerning how the
lifespan should be grouped on the basis of years. Although they a similar,
there seems to be no exact standard that all who study lifespan development
adhere to at this point in time. The more generalized grouping based on stage
of life seems to have utilitarian value, and it leaves room for the human
development factor.
Psychologist Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, PhD, "describes
emerging adulthood as the time from the end of adolescence to the young-adult
responsibilities of a stable job, marriage, and parenthood" (Munsey, 2006). Also contained
within this article is a great description of what those years, emerging
adulthood, look like, or more precisely how they can be defined.
Five Features of Emerging Adults
Arnett
defines emerging adulthood in this manner:
1. Age of identity
exploration. Young people are deciding who they are and what they want out of
work, school and love.
2. Age of instability. The post-high school years are
marked by repeated residence changes, as young people either go to college or
live with friends or a romantic partner. For most, frequent moves end as
families and careers are established in the 30s.
3. Age of self-focus. Freed of the parent- and
society-directed routine of school, young people try to decide what they want
to do, where they want to go and who they want to be with--before those choices
get limited by the constraints of marriage, children and a career.
4. Age of feeling in between. Many emerging adults say
they are taking responsibility for themselves, but still do not completely feel
like an adult.
5. Age of possibilities. Optimism reigns. Most emerging
adults believe they have good chances of living "better than their parents
did," and even if their parents divorced, they believe they'll find a
lifelong soul mate.
(Munsey, 2006)
It seems as though the people described in this list have
very high expectations concerning life. The people who make up this group may
desire to have things such as a high paying job and a meaningful relationship
that lasts forever, but the statistics ringing out all around us tell us of the
harsh reality of life. Arnett says, "many might be headed for
disappointment, he says, noting that most employers simply want someone who can
get a job done and almost half of all marriages end in divorce... If happiness is the
difference between what you expect out of life and what you actually get, a lot
of emerging adults are setting themselves up for unhappiness because they
expect so much " (Munsey, 2006).
Premarital
Counseling Defined
The Mayo Clinic provides a great definition that helps to
clarify what premarital counseling should accomplish,
"Premarital counseling is
a type of therapy that helps couples prepare for marriage. Premarital
counseling can help ensure that you and your partner have a strong, healthy
relationship — giving you a better chance for a stable and satisfying marriage.
Premarital counseling can also help you identify weaknesses that could become bigger
problems during marriage" (Staff, 2011).
Having defined emerging adults and premarital counseling
it is time to move on to discussing the types of issues and conflicts emerging
adults might exhibit prior to marriage.
Conflicts and
Issues
Conflicts can come from many directions, and issues can
crop up in very unexpected ways. Emerging adults are considered to be at the
pinnacle of health. Berger writes concerning health at this stage, "all
body systems are at their peak" (Berger, 2011). This loosely means that, in relation
to health, "it doesn't get any better than this."
However, with a couple at this stage of life there is also
a high probability that sexual relations will be on their minds, and with the
casual attitudes toward premarital sex they are likely to engage in this
activity prior to marriage. The irony here is that STI/STD (sexually
transmitted illness or disease) infections flourish in the realm of premarital
sex. Contracting a STI can prove to be devastating to someone in this group
because health of the mate is a major factor for most in the selection of their
mate.
Most people are serial monogamists meaning, "they
prefer to have one intimate relationship
at a time" (Berger, 2011). Even casual sex with someone outside
the bounds of marriage can, "trigger attachment issues" (Berger, 2011) that can come back
to the surface when someone decides on a "mate for life" who happens
to be someone other than the person with whom they had a casual sexual
relationship. It does not help these matters that among emerging adults there
is a, "disconnect between pregnancy and child-birth" (Berger, 2011).
Lifestyle choices can be a huge issue when two decide to
become one through marriage. Prior to, and during the first few years of
emerging adulthood, drug abuse begins its climb to peak usage which usually
occurs, "between the ages 18 and 25" (Berger, 2011). When one partner is dealing with drug
abuse issues the stress on the relationship can derail the marriage in short
order.
Young couples can also experience difficulty with finances
due to the emerging years being a time of career discovery. Until a career is
established, meeting the financial demands of life is often difficult.
Financial problems within marriage are said to be one of the top reasons most
couples divorce. Heading financial problems off prior to marriage is a much
better way to enter into marriage.
Another big source of stress might be old friends of the
opposite sex. Even if the man or the woman involved is of no romantic interest,
those looking in from the outside will usually assume "romantic
involvement" (Berger, 2011). These types of friendships are
generally susceptible to the dangers of infidelity even after years of
exclusive platonic relations.
Ten Years Later
The same couple that came in seeking premarital counseling
now returns. What issues might one expect to encounter when they arrive? The
presenting problems can be all over the map so-to-speak, but normally they tend
to group themselves around a few central themes.
As life continues, the body continues to change. Physical
appearance changes, body shape changes, and sexual responsiveness changes. All
of these items can contribute to extra-marital affairs.
Birth of children, deaths of friends and family members,
job changes, and health issues can all contribute to a mountain of stress. If
it is not dealt with in a positive manner, stress can lead to anger, isolation,
and/or resentment. All of these outcomes only contribute to the disintegration
of the relationship between the husband and wife.
Financial issues can contribute to marital strife, and
these issues can arise in ways that are out of the control of either party in
the relationship.
How to Address Issues
and Conflicts
No matter what problem exists between two people, the
preferable outcome is, or at least should be, resolution of the issue/s. From
the perspective of a pastor, there are many plans and programs available to
help resolve marriage issues, and some are junk. However, no amount of
counseling or conflict resolution will work without both parties willing to
work together through their issues.
Ron Edmondson provides a basic plan to assist with helping
couples that I incorporate when they come to see me prior to marriage, or even
after many years of marriage. Edmonson describes seven principles that are
beneficial to every couple whether married or getting married,
1. You are
different – Opposites do tend to attract. Each spouse is not only differently
physically, but there are differences in backgrounds, outlook on life and the
way to approach a situation. This is not intended as a curse against marriage.
God designed those differences for a reason. The more a couple learns to
celebrate those differences, the stronger a marriage will become.
2. Leave and cleave – Don’t let either set of in-laws dictate how you lead your new family. Decide in advance that no one, related or otherwise, is going to be a wedge between you two. Every couple has lots of other relationships, including perhaps children someday, but none of them should be allowed to interfere with the oneness God intends to create with the marriage.
3. Expect surprises – Life won’t always be as blissful as it is today. There will be hard days, whether self-induced or life-induced. Life brings changes and those times have the ability to catch even the best marriages off guard if not prepared for them. We can never be fully prepared for what might come, but we can prepare ourselves that when something comes, whatever it is and no matter how hard it is, that we will handle it . Couples should use these times to improve the strength of their marriage rather than allow them to pull the marriage apart.
4. Make a commitment to the marriage no matter what – Couples usually assume they are doing this by standing at the altar together, but statistics would say otherwise. Many times these days a person is saying “I’m committed until it becomes difficult or until the love we have today fades.” That’s not the Biblical picture of marriage God designed. Marriage is more than simply a feeling of love, it is a commitment to love…for better or worse…from this day forward. Verbalizing and agreeing to that on the front end, and continuing to remind yourself of that through the difficult days, will help the marriage last. Couples who should ask for help soon, not letting problems in the marriage linger too long without asking for help. Remove the fear of asking for professional counseling if necessary. It would be better to get help early than to see the marriage disintegrate beyond repair.
5. Model after the right couples – I encourage couples to find a couple whose marriage they admire and follow them closely. Most likely they have some stories to share. Things may not have been as wonderful throughout their marriage as they are today. No doubt they have learned some practices to having a strong marriage. I challenge couples to learn all they can from the couple they want to be like.
6. Evaluate often – Couples should ask themselves often, are we growing together as a couple or further apart? Is the marriage growing stronger or are there holes that need addressing? Don’t assume your spouse feels as you do. (I’ve learned this is especially true for men who often don’t know there is a problem until it’s a big problem.) Establish the understanding early in the relationship that you have the right to periodically check on the state of your marriage.
7. Put Christ first – This is the one most couples expect the pastor to say, but it’s not just the preacher answer, it’s the best secret to a lasting marriage. “A chord of three strands is not easily broken.” A couple’s individual and collective relationship with Christ will ensure they can endure the hardest days of a marriage. When the relationship with Christ suffers, the marriage will often suffer. Satan looks for any excuse to destroy the marriage. Pour your heart and life into Christ and let Him strengthen and sustain your marriage.
2. Leave and cleave – Don’t let either set of in-laws dictate how you lead your new family. Decide in advance that no one, related or otherwise, is going to be a wedge between you two. Every couple has lots of other relationships, including perhaps children someday, but none of them should be allowed to interfere with the oneness God intends to create with the marriage.
3. Expect surprises – Life won’t always be as blissful as it is today. There will be hard days, whether self-induced or life-induced. Life brings changes and those times have the ability to catch even the best marriages off guard if not prepared for them. We can never be fully prepared for what might come, but we can prepare ourselves that when something comes, whatever it is and no matter how hard it is, that we will handle it . Couples should use these times to improve the strength of their marriage rather than allow them to pull the marriage apart.
4. Make a commitment to the marriage no matter what – Couples usually assume they are doing this by standing at the altar together, but statistics would say otherwise. Many times these days a person is saying “I’m committed until it becomes difficult or until the love we have today fades.” That’s not the Biblical picture of marriage God designed. Marriage is more than simply a feeling of love, it is a commitment to love…for better or worse…from this day forward. Verbalizing and agreeing to that on the front end, and continuing to remind yourself of that through the difficult days, will help the marriage last. Couples who should ask for help soon, not letting problems in the marriage linger too long without asking for help. Remove the fear of asking for professional counseling if necessary. It would be better to get help early than to see the marriage disintegrate beyond repair.
5. Model after the right couples – I encourage couples to find a couple whose marriage they admire and follow them closely. Most likely they have some stories to share. Things may not have been as wonderful throughout their marriage as they are today. No doubt they have learned some practices to having a strong marriage. I challenge couples to learn all they can from the couple they want to be like.
6. Evaluate often – Couples should ask themselves often, are we growing together as a couple or further apart? Is the marriage growing stronger or are there holes that need addressing? Don’t assume your spouse feels as you do. (I’ve learned this is especially true for men who often don’t know there is a problem until it’s a big problem.) Establish the understanding early in the relationship that you have the right to periodically check on the state of your marriage.
7. Put Christ first – This is the one most couples expect the pastor to say, but it’s not just the preacher answer, it’s the best secret to a lasting marriage. “A chord of three strands is not easily broken.” A couple’s individual and collective relationship with Christ will ensure they can endure the hardest days of a marriage. When the relationship with Christ suffers, the marriage will often suffer. Satan looks for any excuse to destroy the marriage. Pour your heart and life into Christ and let Him strengthen and sustain your marriage.
(Edmondson, 2011)
All of these principles may not
apply in every counseling situation as they pertain to my area of
ministry, but adaptation can be done in order to make them useful to some degree in most settings.
ministry, but adaptation can be done in order to make them useful to some degree in most settings.
The key to maintaining healthy and successful long-term
relationships whether they be marital, parent-child, business, or casual
friendships is trust. Cloud and Townsend, in their book 21 Days to a Great Marriage, share three elements that are needed
to help build trust in the marriage relationship. The first element is,
"No risk, no trust" (Cloud & Townsend, 2006). You must share your
thoughts and feelings with your partner, and become vulnerable to the point of
expressing your fears, doubts, and even those "parts of yourself that you
are ashamed of or you wish were not there" (Cloud & Townsend, 2006).
Second, you must "welcome" or "appreciate
the effort and humility of your partner for the sake of the relationship" (Cloud &
Townsend, 2006).
In welcoming your partner you include extending unlimited grace to them. You do
not always have to condone or agree with your partner, but return the grace
given to you when you are vulnerable with them.
Third, you must be trustworthy or "take your
partner's investment in you very seriously and that you will not do anything to
break the trust between you" (Cloud & Townsend, 2006).
Cloud and Townsend finish this section of the book with a
passage that is valuable for all to remember,
"Without risk, you will
never know if you can trust your mate. Without welcome, you will simply detach
or pretend. Without trustworthiness, you will not believe the welcome is
real" (Cloud & Townsend, 2006).
Works Cited
Berger, K. S. (2011). Developing a person through
the life span. New York, NY: Worth Publishers.
Cloud, D. H., & Townsend, D. J. (2006). 21 Days to a Great
Marriage. Nashville, Tennessee: Integrity
House Publishers.
Edmondson, R. (2011, October 24 ). 7 Issues to Address in Pre-Marital
Counseling. Retrieved April 17,
2012, from Ron Edmondson: http://www.ronedmondson.com/2011/10/7-issues- to-address-in-pre-marital-counseling.html
Munsey, C. (2006, June). Emerging adults; The in-between age.
Retrieved April 17, 2012, from American
Psychological Association: http://www.apa.org/monitor/jun06/emerging.aspx
Staff, M. C. (2011, November 9). Premarital Counseling. Retrieved
April 17, 2012, from Mayo Clinic Health
Information: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/premarital- counseling/MY00951
