It ended a long time ago. You told yourself you had moved on, and perhaps you even believed you were happy. Then, one day, you saw your ex again. Perhaps it was a chance encounter on the street, or perhaps it was their smiling face appearing in a social media post. In that instant, your heart skipped, and the knot you thought was long gone began to loosen. It felt like someone tugged at a stray thread, unraveling memories that carried you back to when you were together.
You wonder how it is possible that after all this time, they can still have that effect on you. The truth is that relationship breakups leave a mark. They are often described in terms of trauma because the emotional symptoms resemble it: mood swings, tears, anger, numbness, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, even flashbacks. These responses can surface even when you were the one who ended the relationship, or when you knew the person was not healthy for you. That is why the experience can feel confusing and frustrating. You want to “move on,” yet your mind keeps returning to them. You may no longer love them, you may not even like them, but the emotions remain intense.
One woman shared her own struggle: “I did not love him at the end, I did not want to be with him. There were so many fights. I knew it was wrong. So why am I still thinking about him? Am I still in love with him?” What she was experiencing is what many fall into—the emotional reasoning trap. Feelings, when powerful, convince us they represent truth. She did not want her ex back, but she missed the intensity of the emotion they once shared. It had not always felt good, yet it made her feel alive.
This is what makes toxic or volatile relationships so difficult to release. Intense feelings are intoxicating. We confuse them with passion, and passion with love. The energy can be magnetic, even addictive, tricking us into believing that because it feels powerful, it must be good. In reality, it often means the opposite.
If you find yourself pulled back into these feelings, pause before you act. Recognize what is happening. What you are feeling is not love. It may look and sound like love, but it is simply emotion in disguise. It is a longing for the familiar rush that your ex once stirred in you, not a genuine desire for the person themselves.
Remind yourself that they are your ex for a reason. There were flaws, incompatibilities, disappointments, or betrayals that led to the end. If you try, you can recall a list of reasons why the relationship was wrong for you. Even if your ex was a good person and left you, the fact remains that they left. A person who chooses to walk away is not the right person for you.
It is tempting, when these feelings return, to seek closure. The questions flood in: Why did it end? Why did they leave? Was it my fault? If I just understood, maybe I could move on. You may feel compelled to reach out, to meet, to talk, to find answers. Yet closure rarely comes this way. Even good people cannot always explain their truth, and those with less noble intentions may reopen doors for their own gain. More often than not, seeking closure only leaves you with more questions and deeper confusion.
When those old feelings rise, bring yourself back to the present. If you are with someone new, turn your attention fully to them. Offer them your best self and the gift of your presence. If you realize you no longer love your current partner, you have the power to decide what comes next, but do not let yourself fall into the illusion that your ex is the answer. Time has a way of softening the bad memories and amplifying the good, making the past appear far more romantic than it truly was. Returning rarely gives you what you hope for.
The truth is that calm love is not boring love. Too often, we measure the quiet steadiness of a healthy relationship against the turbulence of past intensity and find it lacking. We tell ourselves we are settling, that the spark is gone, when in fact, what we have may be richer and deeper than anything we knew before. Calm, consistent love does not exclude passion; it simply carries it in a way that lasts. If you give it room to grow, it may prove to be the most fulfilling love you will ever experience.
Do not let the ghost of an old relationship steal the joy of your present or the promise of your future. The pull of the past is only powerful if you allow it to convince you that intensity equals love. True love is not found in chaos but in clarity, not in the highs and lows but in the steadiness of someone who chooses you every single day.
tj-tbp ©2025 BTMT
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