Choosing an open group to attend was quite the struggle. Hospitals in this area apparently do not like observers, but there are a few groups that meet at various churches and other locations that seem to be more inviting. Therefore, for the first group observation I chose to attend the Thursday noon meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. They meet in the local First Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) several times a week, but this appears to be their only open meeting. When contacted they will instruct someone to park in back and enter through the back door. The back door entrance was intriguing to me, and I thought “what I am walking into?”
Prior to the meeting, from the time this was assigned to when I found a group and right up until the moment I went in, I was very nervous but strangely curious as well. I could only imagine the range of emotions someone might have if they were coming for the first time because they wanted help with their addiction. It has to be extremely unnerving to walk in those shoes. For most of us, fear of the unknown can be sometimes more powerful than fear of what we do know. This is probably truer than I imagine, but I will leave it here for now. I arrived way too early and sat parked as far away from the door as possible. Part of me did not want to close, and part of me did not want to alarm any regular attendees. It is more than likely a little stressful for them when someone new or different shows up. There were a couple of other cars in the lot as I parked and waited. I saw a lady going in, and off I went as well. I actually thought she might be the group leader, and sure enough I was correct. I introduced myself and explained what I came to do. She was very accepting, and made me feel at ease. So far everything seemed to be working out good.
As we, the leader and I, sat in the room waiting, she shared a little background on what the group is about, when they meet, the material used, how things flowed, and even some of her own story. I felt fairly comfortable at this stage of the session.
This was an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. It goes without saying what the main topic was, but as for this particular session there was quite a bit of ground covered. The topic was fairly static, but the conversation was all over the map. The leader was very Laissez-Faire in her style, but never hinted at being lazy or incompetent. There was a lot of up and down to get coffee, go the restroom, and even one phone call. With all of the distractions, she seemed to really try to stay out of the way of the conversation, and when a pause came she would bring the group back to the primary task of reading another paragraph from their book and then more discussion. The group functioned satisfactorily with this leadership style. However, I could tell that most of these members had probably been involved for many sessions, and maybe several years.
The members sat around a couple of tables pushed together in the middle of the small room. They appeared to represent a wide variety of personality types. There was the talker, the know-it-all, the semi-emotional, the say-nothing, and a few others that weaved in and out of various combinations of all of these.
The members had several common themes they referred to throughout the meeting. Most felt the need, or freedom, to confess things about how they behaved prior to joining the group. The confessions also entailed some honest feelings about their individual battles with alcohol. Some of the things I heard were, “this disease is hard to battle alone,” “not using is not the same as being sober,” I lost 2 months, and don’t remember any of it,” and my favorite insight that came from a very plain spoken man who made an excellent point about how hard it is to fight alcoholism alone, “when you’re up to your rear-end (my word) in alligators, it is hard to remember you are there to drain the swamp.” This last comment is pure gold, and I am sure I will have opportunities to borrow it from time to time. There were a few comments one might expect to hear in this environment such as blaming relationships with parents, spouses, and friends for their desire to drink to excess. Self-reflection and self-monitoring seems to play a large role in their healing process as well.
However, there were some interesting things said that I had not thought about prior to attending. I realize there is a strong “God” element to the AA program, but what I heard caught me a little off guard. One member said, “I have seen a lot of miracles here.” What a powerful testimony to the AA program, and to this group in particular. A few members spoke in terms of feeling the presence of God (or a higher power as one stated) at times of crises, and in times of revelation about who they really were. One positive moment came when the “hardest looking” guy in the group had been discussing that he avoided this type of thing initially because he was not going to lower himself and be told what to do or follow some set of rules. He turned his whole line of thought, and ended his short diatribe with this comment, “I have learned that being humble is beneficial, I would define it as me lowering myself to lift someone else up.” Once again wisdom can come from unexpected people and places.
The take away for me is more than I could ever put into words. Mushy-touchy-feely I am not, but I had a revelation of which I have only had a few times in my life. As a full time pastor, I have never really had a clear picture of what was drawing me to the field of psychology. That cloud of uncertainty cleared today. There was a feeling (I guess that is the best way I can describe it) that hit me today very suddenly. As I sat and observed, I thought, this is something I could enjoy doing from now on. I have never felt this way about anything, job or hobby, in my entire life. I love the research side of psychology, but I could see myself, using my Biblical and psychological backgrounds to help others. I have conducted small group sessions, and counseled people one on one, but I have never had this feeling prior to today. God has a plan for my life, and I think I found a clue today.
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