Why Do You Want to Be Liked?

 

Social desirability is a basic motivation that drives us based on what others think about us. It has a huge effect on how people behave and is the basis for our need for approval and to be liked.

Our society is founded on the very force we call desirability.

We all have a significant need for a sense of identity and many people create this through interactions and relationships with other people.

It is often said that we socially construct ourselves, creating our own image of ourselves through the eyes of other people, as in the 'Looking-glass self'. Even those who seem to have less concern for others are often markedly affected by this.

Maybe it is natural for us to want to have a positive self-image, considering ourselves clever, popular and so on. That being the case, we tend to construct ourselves in as positive a way as we can. On any desirable social scale, most people consider themselves above average (which is statistically impossible).

If others act as if they do not like us or disapprove of us in some way, then we are forced to consider that we are bad or wrong in some way. This creates a powerful and uncomfortable cognitive dissonance that drives us harder to find ways to appear (at least to ourselves) more socially desirable.

We also create ourselves through our associations, our families, friends, job, religion, nationality and so on. We join groups and internalize their cultures, including beliefs and values, we accept their rules and connect our identities to theirs.

Once these links are created, we become afraid of losing them, because we assume that being cast out of a group is to lose a part of who you are (or at least who you think you are).

Important identity-related needs include the need to endure the socially constructed self and to protect our associations. 

This forms our basic need for:

    Belonging: Identity created by association with a group.

    Esteem: Being respected by others.

    Fairness: Having the same as others.

    Approval: Being approved of by superiors.

    Liking: Being thought of as a friend.

We also have a strong need to avoid the opposite, and avoid disapproval by others, particularly those we identify and respect. To act in contrary ways can be quite terrifying. So, we are often very careful to follow values and social norms.

Sometimes people do not look for, or want, social approval or to be liked, and in fact seem to revel in being disliked (or at least do not care what others think). These people are in the minority.

People with personality disorders such as the Antisocial Personality or the Psychopathic Personality are characterized by a lack of empathy and care very little for social desirability (only in the way that it can be manipulated to meet their goals). Narcissists may appear to be opposite, caring greatly about social desirability, yet they will also manipulate and be unpleasant to others in their empty search for praise.

Many people also fall into the comforting pattern of repeating unhelpful games/behaviors that may lead to them being persecuted or vilified. Even if they know this, they often seem unable to break out of the habit and may seek the support of others in their attempt to become more socially desirable.

Bottom line- When we interact with others, try to remember how important it is for them to be liked, approved of, or looked up to just as much as we want to be liked, approved of, or looked up to ourselves.

TJ

Who Do You Deserve?

You deserve someone who loves you with their whole heart. Someone who never puts you down. Not even in those times that the discussions get heated. Someone who knows what you are able to accomplish, and celebrates the little victories as they come. 

Someone who is not intimidated by your strength. Someone who will call you out when you are being obstinate, but never piles guilt on you for your flaws. 

Love doesn’t punish. Always remember the person you love is just as broken as you are when they miss the mark. No one is perfect. Never try to hold someone you love to that level. 

Seek out someone who is patient, forgives, and is quick to apologize when they are in the wrong. Love someone who is kind, humble, and shows empathy with ease. Not only with you, but also with the homeless on the street or a stranger in a store. 

Never settle for less than someone who is kind, compassionate, and shows common courtesy to all.

TJ

Risk? Yep!

One thing I could never be accused of is being afraid to take risks. Risk has been so interwoven in my life it is akin to an old comfortable pair of shoes.

Watching those around me, I am constantly amazed at the fear of risk most people exhibit. Now I am not talking about stupid risks like walking on the edge of a tall building. I am talking about the fear of failure that causes life-paralysis in so many people. They stop truly living and surrender their dreams to the reality of an ordinary run of the mill life.

Not trying to realize your dreams, in order to remain comfortable, seems almost criminal. Someone once said, and it is my life-quote, “it is never too late to be what you might have been.”

Thinking about this subject has resulted in some interesting revelations about why some people try to avoid risk.

1. Embarrassment – Nobody wants to look bad. And if you take a risk and fall flat on your face, you might embarrass yourself. So what? Get over it. The only way to get better at anything is to take steps forward. That includes missteps that can cause you to fall down. Making small steps is even better than standing still. Success is not one step; it is a series of steps. If you stumble once in a while, shake it off, and let it go.

2. Rationalization – This is the “second guessing” trap. Second guessing everything they do to the point of procrastination. A great quote goes something like this, “Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” If you take risks and fail, you will have fewer regrets than if you do nothing and fail.

"Timendi causa est nescire"
The cause of fear is ignorance

TJ

Can You Pause Life?

 

Strange how strong the instinct is, to see something incredible, and reach for a camera. As if to lend it some credibility, to prove that it's real, that 'I WAS HERE.' 

We live our lives in moments. Those rare experiences we stop to notice, and carry with us, in the hopes of stringing them together, trying to tell a story. But even in the moment, you can feel it start to fade.

So you try to capture it, and convert it into something that will last longer than just a flash. And over time a photo feels more real than it's subject. It lets you build a version of the world that you can take with you. 

A world flattened, and simple. A world that doesn't change. That fits in the frame. A little brighter and more colorful. With everything under control. You can travel the world looking for memories, and still find yourself standing behind a camera waiting for the world to hold still. 

With every click of the shutter, you're trying to press Pause on your life. If only so you can feel a little more comfortable moving on living in a world stuck on Play. 

A part of you knows you can't take it with you but that doesn't stop you from trying.

 "What if I could stay just a little longer?" "What if we didn't have to go?" 

We try to capture moments as if we're afraid they'll escape, but they'll get away eventually. 

Take one last look. One more shot. 

So years from now you can flip back through, and try to relive it all over again.

But maybe even then, you'll be thinking to yourself,

 

 "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

 

 

 

TMJ

 

Things I've Learned About Suffering

Most people look for simple/quick answers to just about every life event. In the Book of Job, God presents the basic argument that life is too complicated for the simple answers we all seek. When we try to analyze our situations by looking to God for simple answers, we are most often asking Him for information, that if He gave it to us, we would never be able to understand.

God is telling Job, and us, that He (God) is the only one who can deal with the trials that often come into our lives. Our role, at this point in any situation, is to trust God and continue to bring Him glory by our responses to the good and the bad.

Although Job's life was filled with tragedy, he continued to "worship" God in those times. The Book of Job gives us a great picture of God's response to Job's faithfulness, "and Job died, and old man, and full of days" (Job 42:17, RSV). 

Human suffering continues to be a result of Satan's original challenge to the hierarchy God established in the beginning.

Job, as far as we know while alive, was never given an answer for his suffering. Likewise, we will more than likely never have exhaustive answers to suffering we face in life.

The lesson from Job is that there will be times of suffering and hardship in life and we will never have the total picture.

Most of the time God will not reveal the "reason(s)" for the struggle, but our role is to trust His plan and to bring Him glory through our actions in those times of struggle.

Our witness before a lost world often depends more on how we behave (actions) than what we say.

Bottom Line:

We need to trust God's plan, because life is too complicated to handle alone.

~TheBassPlayer

Verba docent, exempla trahunt
"Words instruct, illustrations lead"

Who Are You???

 

We all have a need for a sense of identity, of who we are and our place in the world. This is not always easy and we may be challenged in many ways. There are also inner conflicts that make settling on who we really are a difficult process.

Boundaries?

For anything to exist, it must be separate somehow from its environment. It needs a boundary that lets us know what is a part of it and what is not a part of it. Likewise, to know our own selves we need to pull away from the world to find our boundaries.

Problem?

A conflict here is that we need the world around us and other people to create this separation. I need to know what denotes a tree so I know I am not a tree. And I need you to know I am not you. Yet knowing you creates a connection with you, so I am not separate.

Another point of tension occurs where we are unsure of who we are and cannot isolate a single, separate self, the 'real me', from the many 'me's of multiple identity. It is common to feel you have more than one personality, in particular ones which are tied to different contexts and feelings, hence the work self, the home self, the stressed self, the angry self and so on. The question 'Who am I?' is often asked and often not fully answered.

Integrated selves?

We are social and spiritual creatures. We like to have friends, live in society and feel a part of something greater than ourselves. We define ourselves through our connections, even seeing ourselves as others see us.

Conflict?

This creates a conflict where the more we connect, the more we place our identity outside, the more our boundaries erode and the less distinct our identities become. To equally be like other people and to be different

Heart of The Issue?

A dilemma of identity is that it is reflexive, that we need an 'I' to define the 'I', which makes 'I' impossible to fully identify.

We also have an infant history of early warm bonding and unity out of which the sense of separation emerged. This leaves a sustaining tension to re-unite with others and the world, while the sense of self (and the control this gives) is too important to give up.

The most important issue is how to sustain a separate, autonomous self while connecting with others and immersing ourselves in the world.

'Letting go' can be immensely joyful yet we need our self to know that pleasure.

Separation and unity are ultimately related to the sense of control and create another tension here, as being separate allows personal choice, yet together we can achieve so much more.

Why Does It Matter?

We need to help people discover themselves by exploring their boundaries, of who they are and who they are not. This includes looking at basic drivers such as beliefs, models, values, goals and so on.

Talk about what is important for them and how they relate to others.

Help them let go of past things so they can look forward to the 'new me'.

You can also challenge people who do bad things by asking 'Is that the real you?'

Few people want to be thought of as bad and so may change their selves (and in consequence their actions).

TJ