What Path Are You On?

 

 4:21 a.m.
It is possible to take a path that will lead you nowhere — well, nowhere you want to be in life.

This path you accidentally take is a result of the small decisions you make every day. They are decisions you make all the time that don't always seem very important, and in many cases you are not even aware them. These thoughts often come disguised as excuses or things you tell yourself on repeat or decisions you don’t see as life-changing when in fact they are very significant.

Long ago I shelved everything inside of me and walked down the path of mediocrity for many years. I woke up every day feeling like I wasn’t the right person. It felt weird. All of my hopes remained hopes and any opportunities to embrace who I was or what I wanted were ignored.

In light of breaking free of this temporary, semi-isolated, existence we all find ourselves in at this moment, do you really want to continue to accidentally walk down the path of mediocrity and be separated from where you want to be in life?

Instead how about you try to keep going when you don’t feel like it, be the best you can be to the people that matter and remember quality is subjective, examine every part of your life and remove the things that cause atrophy, and do the small things well.

We are not born mediocre. We make little decisions day by day that lead us down the path we call “unsuccessful”. So remember, if they are decisions we make, that means we are in control and we can get on the right path.

 

TJ

COVID-19 and LOVE

Wouldn’t it be great to see people stop being so self-centered with all the hoarding and stockpiling right now and reach out to friends and family who might need help instead? Also, do we really need more fear mongering, and that includes all the empty shelf posts on social media? The news is doing a great job selling fear, hysteria, and division while laughing all the way to the bank on sponsor $$$$$$$$. Could everyone take a breath, practice good hygiene (it amazes me we have to teach it to adults), help those in need (infirm, elderly, disabled), and love one another.
TJ

©TJACKSON2020

You Feel Depressed. What Now?

1. Acknowledge how you feel, and accept that this is going to be a more challenging day.

2. Commit to doing the absolute essentials but don’t push yourself to do everything. 

3. Prioritize what’s important. Do what needs to be done. If it is something that can wait, set it aside for now. 

4. Work through your to-do list in small chunks of time – making sure you take plenty of breaks.

5. Tell someone who will understand. We need to get support when we’re feeling low, but not everyone will be there for you. Figure out who will be there, and who won’t be there, for you. 

6. Be wise in your use of social media. It may be good to go offline for a while, to switch off your phone and to protect yourself from stuff that just exacerbates the way you feel. 

7. Make sure you leave the house and get a change of scenery.

8. Deliberately invest in some form of self-care … and make sure it’s something that you know will help your mood. Also, remember that tomorrow is another day. 

TJ

Why Do You Want to Be Liked?

 

Social desirability is a basic motivation that drives us based on what others think about us. It has a huge effect on how people behave and is the basis for our need for approval and to be liked.

Our society is founded on the very force we call desirability.

We all have a significant need for a sense of identity and many people create this through interactions and relationships with other people.

It is often said that we socially construct ourselves, creating our own image of ourselves through the eyes of other people, as in the 'Looking-glass self'. Even those who seem to have less concern for others are often markedly affected by this.

Maybe it is natural for us to want to have a positive self-image, considering ourselves clever, popular and so on. That being the case, we tend to construct ourselves in as positive a way as we can. On any desirable social scale, most people consider themselves above average (which is statistically impossible).

If others act as if they do not like us or disapprove of us in some way, then we are forced to consider that we are bad or wrong in some way. This creates a powerful and uncomfortable cognitive dissonance that drives us harder to find ways to appear (at least to ourselves) more socially desirable.

We also create ourselves through our associations, our families, friends, job, religion, nationality and so on. We join groups and internalize their cultures, including beliefs and values, we accept their rules and connect our identities to theirs.

Once these links are created, we become afraid of losing them, because we assume that being cast out of a group is to lose a part of who you are (or at least who you think you are).

Important identity-related needs include the need to endure the socially constructed self and to protect our associations. 

This forms our basic need for:

    Belonging: Identity created by association with a group.

    Esteem: Being respected by others.

    Fairness: Having the same as others.

    Approval: Being approved of by superiors.

    Liking: Being thought of as a friend.

We also have a strong need to avoid the opposite, and avoid disapproval by others, particularly those we identify and respect. To act in contrary ways can be quite terrifying. So, we are often very careful to follow values and social norms.

Sometimes people do not look for, or want, social approval or to be liked, and in fact seem to revel in being disliked (or at least do not care what others think). These people are in the minority.

People with personality disorders such as the Antisocial Personality or the Psychopathic Personality are characterized by a lack of empathy and care very little for social desirability (only in the way that it can be manipulated to meet their goals). Narcissists may appear to be opposite, caring greatly about social desirability, yet they will also manipulate and be unpleasant to others in their empty search for praise.

Many people also fall into the comforting pattern of repeating unhelpful games/behaviors that may lead to them being persecuted or vilified. Even if they know this, they often seem unable to break out of the habit and may seek the support of others in their attempt to become more socially desirable.

Bottom line- When we interact with others, try to remember how important it is for them to be liked, approved of, or looked up to just as much as we want to be liked, approved of, or looked up to ourselves.

TJ

Why Is Everyone More Successful Than Me???

There's an optical illusion that's easy to fall for, even if you know the trick. The more distant you are from other people, the more invulnerable they appear.

You see yourself as you are, with your flaws just as clear as your successes, but you see most other people on their terms, only from the side they present to the world. And at first glance they've got everything figured out, with everything set in stone, securely rooted in their community, wrapped up with their loved ones, their lives like a finished work of art.

But it's only just a trick of perspective: everyone else seems to be doing better than you, because you can't see the cracks from so far away. How insecure their footing, how pliable they really are. How many years of effort went into shaping their identity into something acceptable, how many other hands it took to build their lives, which are still only a work in progress.

It's the kind of basic human vulnerability that we'd all find familiar, but is still somehow surprising when we notice it in others. It's an open question why we have such public confidence, and such private doubts.

Maybe that contradiction is what keeps us moving, wanting to be more than what we are, and never be satisfied. Maybe it lets us keep our distance, to avoid too much friction as we brush past each other. 

Or maybe it's what draws us together, the only irreplaceable thing we still need each other for, just one last excuse to keep stopping by, so we can prop each other up, and remind us that nothing is set in stone, not even who we are, or who we pretend to be.

TJ