We
all have a need for a sense of identity, of who we are and our place in the
world. This is not always easy and we may be challenged in many ways. There are
also inner conflicts that make settling on who we really are a difficult
process.
For
anything to exist, it must be separate somehow from its environment. It needs a
boundary that lets us know what is a part of it and what is not a part of it.
Likewise, to know our own selves we need to pull away from the world to find
our boundaries.
Problem?
A
conflict here is that we need the world around us and other people to create
this separation. I need to know what denotes a tree so I know I am not a tree.
And I need you to know I am not you. Yet knowing you creates a connection with
you, so I am not separate.
Another
point of tension occurs where we are unsure of who we are and cannot isolate a
single, separate self, the 'real me', from the many 'me's of multiple identity.
It is common to feel you have more than one personality, in particular ones
which are tied to different contexts and feelings, hence the work self, the
home self, the stressed self, the angry self and so on. The question 'Who am
I?' is often asked and often not fully answered.
We
are social and spiritual creatures. We like to have friends, live in society
and feel a part of something greater than ourselves. We define ourselves
through our connections, even seeing ourselves as others see us.
Conflict?
This
creates a conflict where the more we connect, the more we place our identity
outside, the more our boundaries erode and the less distinct our identities
become. To equally be like other people and to be different
A
dilemma of identity is that it is reflexive, that we need an 'I' to define the
'I', which makes 'I' impossible to fully identify.
We
also have an infant history of early warm bonding and unity out of which the
sense of separation emerged. This leaves a sustaining tension to re-unite with
others and the world, while the sense of self (and the control this gives) is
too important to give up.
The
most important issue is how to sustain a separate, autonomous self while
connecting with others and immersing ourselves in the world.
'Letting
go' can be immensely joyful yet we need our self to know that pleasure.
Separation
and unity are ultimately related to the sense of control and create another
tension here, as being separate allows personal choice, yet together we can
achieve so much more.
We
need to help people discover themselves by exploring their boundaries, of who
they are and who they are not. This includes looking at basic drivers such as beliefs,
models, values, goals and so on.
Talk
about what is important for them and how they relate to others.
Help
them let go of past things so they can look forward to the 'new me'.
You
can also challenge people who do bad things by asking 'Is that the real you?'
Few
people want to be thought of as bad and so may change their selves (and in
consequence their actions).
TJ
