Why are you holding on to the Past?

1. You can’t, or won’t, talk about it. 

2. You’re constantly being hit by “those same old feelings”. 

3. You can’t relax and be yourself with certain people from your past. 

4. You’re attracted to people who treat you negatively. 

5. You over-react, and find it hard to calm down. 

6. You have poor boundaries, and always feel you’re being used. 

7. You’re always making poor decisions, and repeating old mistakes. 

TJ

Who Are You???

We all have a need for a sense of identity, of who we are and our place in the world. This is not always easy and we may be challenged in many ways. There are also inner conflicts that make settling on who we really are a difficult process.

Boundaries?

For anything to exist, it must be separate somehow from its environment. It needs a boundary that lets us know what is a part of it and what is not a part of it. Likewise, to know our own selves we need to pull away from the world to find our boundaries.

Problem?

A conflict here is that we need the world around us and other people to create this separation. I need to know what denotes a tree so I know I am not a tree. And I need you to know I am not you. Yet knowing you creates a connection with you, so I am not separate.

Another point of tension occurs where we are unsure of who we are and cannot isolate a single, separate self, the 'real me', from the many 'me's of multiple identity. It is common to feel you have more than one personality, in particular ones which are tied to different contexts and feelings, hence the work self, the home self, the stressed self, the angry self and so on. The question 'Who am I?' is often asked and often not fully answered.

Integrated selves?

We are social and spiritual creatures. We like to have friends, live in society and feel a part of something greater than ourselves. We define ourselves through our connections, even seeing ourselves as others see us.

Conflict?

This creates a conflict where the more we connect, the more we place our identity outside, the more our boundaries erode and the less distinct our identities become. To equally be like other people and to be different

Heart of The Issue?

A dilemma of identity is that it is reflexive, that we need an 'I' to define the 'I', which makes 'I' impossible to fully identify.

We also have an infant history of early warm bonding and unity out of which the sense of separation emerged. This leaves a sustaining tension to re-unite with others and the world, while the sense of self (and the control this gives) is too important to give up.

The most important issue is how to sustain a separate, autonomous self while connecting with others and immersing ourselves in the world.

'Letting go' can be immensely joyful yet we need our self to know that pleasure.

Separation and unity are ultimately related to the sense of control and create another tension here, as being separate allows personal choice, yet together we can achieve so much more.

Why Does It Matter?

We need to help people discover themselves by exploring their boundaries, of who they are and who they are not. This includes looking at basic drivers such as beliefs, models, values, goals and so on.

Talk about what is important for them and how they relate to others.

Help them let go of past things so they can look forward to the 'new me'.

You can also challenge people who do bad things by asking 'Is that the real you?'

Few people want to be thought of as bad and so may change their selves (and in consequence their actions).

TJ

Why We Need Time Alone

1. It allows us to hear, and really listen to, our heart.

2. It helps us to feel – instead of ignoring/suppressing  our emotions.

3. It helps us to decide who we really want to be.

4. It allows us to step back from the pressure to fit in.

5. It frees us from the need to please, or seek the approval of others.

6. It helps us to establish more appropriate boundaries.

7. It allows us to recharge our batteries.

TJ

Leadership Boundaries

Only when you are able to set your own boundaries will you be able to acknowledge and respect the boundaries of others. ‪#‎leadership‬ ‪#‎life‬

10 Traits of the Mentally Strong

1. They are able to stay calm, and maintain self-control.

2. They have clear boundaries between themselves and other people.

3. They respect their own and others’ boundaries.

4. They don’t become defensive, or feel completely crushed, when someone is critical of them or their work.

5. Where appropriate … they are able to take their fair share of the blame, and are quick to apologize when they are in the wrong.

6. They are flexible, and willing to adapt or change.

7. They know their limitations, and are happy to be helped.

8. They forgive themselves willingly – and then move on with life.

9. They don’t bear grudges, or play games with people’s feelings. 

10. They are responsible, persistent, and are people of their word.

TJ