Do wrong beliefs stress you out?

Often the thoughts we carry round in our head, and our basic beliefs about the way things should be, are a source of unnecessary stress. Here are some examples:

1. Demand for Approval: This is the belief that others must always treat us well. We must have love or approval all the time, from every single person who matters to us, or else we feel we’re worthless and unlovable.

2. High Self Expectations: This is the belief that we must always succeed, and even excel, in everything we do, or it means that we are a failure and we don’t have any value.

3. Dependency: This is the belief that we can’t cope on our own. We need to lean on others to help us all the time, and we can’t be independent and make our own decisions.

4. Helplessness: This is the belief that the events in our past have determined our future and the goals that we can set. That is, we think we’re helpless victims and that is why we have these problems.

5. Emotional Control: This where we give control to other people, and say that they are the ones who make us feel the way we do. If only they were different then we wouldn’t feel this way.

6. Personal Idealism: This is the belief that other people and the world must always be predictable, and fair and just.

7. Problem Avoidance: This is the belief that problems make life hard and should be avoided whenever possible. We don’t believe they are central for developing new skills, resilience, perseverance and character.

8. We Must Be Free from Anxiety at All Times (Discomfort Anxiety): This is the belief that we can’t cope with feeling anxious, nervous, worried or uncomfortable. Instead, life should be stress free so I don’t have to have these feelings.

9. Perfectionism: This is the belief that there is a perfect answer, or that there is only one solution, to the problems I am facing. Consequently, I’m frightened to act in case I make a mistake.

10. Over Caring: This is the belief that I must become upset and show that I care when others are upset, or it means that I am heartless and I lack compassion.

 TJ

Aviodance or Attraction

Some people are motivated more by doing things, whilst others are motivated more by avoiding things. 

Attraction

People who are driven towards doing things tend to have positive goals and seek to achieve specific things. They are forward-looking and see the world as being full of opportunity. They generally have a passion and desire to succeed in order to gain either specific rewards or general recognition. To achieve this, they are more open and ready to explore new experiences.

They focus is largely on the future and when they have achieved something they may even forget about it in the headlong charge into further challenges.

Some people have problems with this in that they are attracted to too many things. They dart from one opportunity to another, seeking gratification all over the place. They may be looking for something and they may not yet know what they want.

Avoidance

Those who are driven to avoid things something look like they are attracted to the things they are actually doing, but they are actually looking more over their shoulder than in front of them. For example people who are very energetic at work may be driven more by a worry about failure or criticism than by an attraction towards achievement.

Those who are avoidance-driven focus more by their fears than their desires (which may well be fears in disguise). They may also be more prone to disgust. They may well also be more closed to the world, avoiding problems simply by keeping the doors to their world closed.

Avoidance can be a high-stress preference. We may be generally driven by attraction when things are going well, but when we are threatened or otherwise experience high levels of stress, we may use an avoidance strategy to get away from that discomfort.

A problem with avoidance when compared to attraction is that there are many directions in which to run away from something, yet only one way you can run towards something. Motivating a person by triggering avoidance is not necessarily a helpful approach.

Discussion

Attraction and avoidance are related to the fight-or-flight response, where attraction and fighting lead to moving towards a target, while avoidance and flight are about moving away from it. The major difference is that fight and flight are immediate and unthinking reactions to threat. Attraction and avoidance often have cognitive elements and may well be both slower and more persistent over time.

In a similar way, attraction and avoidance are related to pleasure and pain. In particular, we are attracted to pleasurable activities and avoid painful experiences. 

 
Therefore:

For those who are driven by attraction, seek their passions and lay opportunity in their path. They will swoop towards what you are offering.

For those driven by avoidance, point out the problems of the past and the dangers of the present. Show them a future where they can at least avoid the worst of the problems they face.

When you have a choice, be a shepherd. A sheep runs in any direction to get away from a sheepdog, making it work extra hard, whilst it runs towards the shepherd who stands in one place and calls them.

TJ