Normal Family?

“Normal” seems to be a moving target when discussing the family. Walsh claims that “normal” is not useable category when trying to describe the family and that family should be defined more in terms of markers present. 

I believe that cultural shifting probably plays some role in what most people consider a normal family. The basic Christian belief that all humans are created in the image of God, and therefore equally valuable before God, should be the mantra that equalizes the differences between. 

 However, societal/cultural shifting concerning the value and dignity of human life has contributed to the diminishing role of this Christian belief. Culture has shifted to more of a comparative view of people, and when we compare ourselves to each other we soon find that no family is “normal.”

The thought process behind comparing, whether we understand it or not, views people more in terms of worthiness, honor, success, and just about any other attribute we might inject into the comparison.

I’m off the soap-box now.

Assessing normality seems to be a very arduous task. Do we base our evaluation of a family on sociological, psychological, or biological factors? What I have learned is that to properly evaluate a family one must include all of the above to varying degrees. From a secular point of view, families need to be groups that provide for the basic needs of the members of the group such as food, money, shelter, psychological support, and problem solving. 

However, I might offer a few thoughts about what constitutes a “normal” family. I would suggest the idea that normal families can have some minor problems and even major problems although these should be few. “Normal” families can have communication problems, and they often will. The reason, I suggest, is that although God created everything and called it “Good.” Man (and woman) fell into sin, and therefore no matter how perfect a family may seem, there will never be a perfect family situation. We are not capable of normal. 

So, how do I define “normal?” “Normal” is the family that a midst all of life’s struggles, including social, psychological, and biological, strive to maintain God’s original design for the family (one man / one woman / and wherever that leads). It also includes Christ-like behavior toward those within the family group, and to those outside the family group.

Assuming you subscribe to the traditional model, with changing ideas about what a traditional family looks like how would you help a client understand the value of the traditional model? 

Do you think that many have just given up trying to maintain a traditional family? 

If so, why?

TJ

Unpacking the Boxes

You tell the world who you are
in a million different ways.
Some are subtle, some are not.

But it doesn't seem to matter:
this world has already got you pegged.

When you were born they put you in a little box,
and slapped a label on it.
So they could keep things organized,
and not have to think about what’s inside.

Over time you learn to make yourself comfortable
packaging your identity in different combinations
until you feel like you belong,
and can wear your labels proudly.

But there’s a part of you that never really found a home
rattling around in categories that couldn’t do you justice.

You look around at other people,
trying to judge how loosely they fit in their own lives
sensing a knot of confusion hidden beneath a name tag.

And you realize we’re still only strangers,
who assume we already know what the other is going to say,
as if the only thing left to talk about is
who belongs in what category
and which labels are offensive.

You have to wonder if these boxes are falling apart.
If we should be writing our identities by hand,
speaking only for ourselves, in our own words,
taking our chances out in the open
and meet each other as we are,
asking: “What is it like being you?”

—and be brave enough to admit
that we don’t already know the answer.

Maybe it’ll mean that we’ve finally arrived,
just “unpacking the boxes”
making ourselves at home.

And maybe we’ll look back and wonder
how we managed to live in the same house for so long,
and never stop to introduce ourselves.

TJ

Questioning Your First Assumptions

Your life is a story. The days flip past, too quickly to absorb, a mess of seemingly random events. So you look back and highlight certain moments as important, as turning points in the main plot. You trace each thread back to its origin, finding omens and ironies scattered along the way, until it all feels inevitable, and your life makes sense. You know how this story is going to end, but you’re still eager to skip ahead, dying to know what happens next.

But there are times when you look up and realize that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore. You thought you were following the arc of the story, but you keep finding yourself immersed in passages you don’t understand. Either everything seems important or nothing does. It’s a tangled mess of moments that don’t even seem to belong in the same genre, that keeping changing depending on what you choose to highlight.

What kind of story is this? Just another coming-of-age tale, the same one your parents told, with the names switched around? Is your everyday life part of the origin story of something truly epic? Are you unwittingly getting by on other people’s charity, mistaking your own luck for your own success? Are you a character in a romance, a tragedy, a travelogue, or just another cautionary tale?

As you thumb through the years, you may never know where this all is going. The only thing you know is that there’s more to the story. That soon enough you’ll flip back to this day looking for clues of what was to come, rereading all the chapters you skimmed through to get to the good parts—only to learn that all along you were supposed to choose your own adventure.

TJ

Seen from this point forward

You were born on a moving train.
And even though it feels like you're standing still,
time is sweeping past you, right where you sit.
But once in a while you look up,
and actually feel the inertia,
and watch as the present turns into a memory
—as if some future you is already looking back on it. 

 One day you’ll remember this moment,
and it’ll mean something very different.
Maybe you’ll cringe and laugh,
or brim with pride, aching to return.
or notice some detail hidden in the scene,
a future landmark making its first appearance
or discreetly taking its final bow.

So you try to sense it ahead of time, looking for clues,
as if you’re walking through the memory while it’s still happening,
feeling for all the world like a time traveler.

The world around you is secretly strange:
some details are charming and dated,
others precious and irretrievable,
but all fade into the quaint texture of the day.

You try to read the faces around you,
each fretting about the day’s concerns,
not yet realizing that this world is already out of their hands.
That it doesn’t have to be this way, it just sort of happened,
and everything will soon be completely different.

Because you really are a time traveler,
leaping into the future in little tentative steps.
Just a kid stuck in a strange land without a map,
With nothing to do but soak in the moment
and take one last look before moving on.

But another part of you is already an old man,
looking back on things.
Waiting at the door for his granddaughter,
who’s trying to make her way home for a visit.
You are two people still separated by an ocean of time,
Part of you bursting to talk about what you saw,
Part of you longing to tell you what it means.

TJ

Lessons I've Learned:

It is foolish to hope you will reach your dreams while you are hanging around people intent on pulling you down.

You can forgive incompetence. You can forgive lack of ability. But there is NO excuse for lack of discipline.

“There’s zero correlation between being the best talker and having the best ideas.”
Susan Cain,
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

Some people think they can.
Some people think they can't.
They are probably both right.

It’s a lack of clarity that creates chaos and frustration.

Adversity presents us with numerous possibilities for success, if we are just willing to see them.

If you want to be successful in life, never let things happen to you. Go out and happen to things.

In general people are about as happy as they decide to be.

TJ

New Formula for Behaviorism

Edward Tolman

A New Formula For Behaviorism

This article represents Edward Tolman’s ideas about a new version of behaviorism that was to bring unity to the conflicts between cognitive psychology and behaviorist psychology. Tolman, although a methodological behaviorist, did not venture near the zealous ideas that B.F. Skinner promoted. 

To make it clear where he stood, Tolman issues his review of Watson’s version of Behaviorism, “he [Watson] says, will be the study of stimulus and response such that given the stimulus we can predict the response, and given the response we can predict the stimulus.” (Tolman, 1921) Tolman does not end his critique in just defining the idea; he offers an interesting quote from Watson,

“It is perfectly possible for a student of behavior entirely ignorant of the sympathetic nervous system and of the glands and smooth muscles or even of the central nervous system as a whole, to write a thoroughly comprehensive and accurate study of the emotions.” (Tolman, 1921)

Tolman’s response is how can someone ignorant of these things, “account for anything.” (Tolman, 1921) For the remainder of the article, Tolman lays out how his idea is to be structured.

He begins his theses by stating how non-physiological Behaviorism is possible. He goes on to maintain that this new Behaviorism will be capable of utilizing, “mental tests, objective measurements of memory, Animal Psychology, and valid results of Introspective Psychology.” (Tolman, 1921) He then differentiates between Introspective Psychology where consciousness is private and only observable by the individual, but that the information is not translated well, and Behavioral Psychology where the behavior or potential behavior is more easily observable.

Tolman finishes the article by covering the 4 concepts required to understand his new form of Behaviorism. 

First he states the “Stimulating Agency” is the initiating cause of behavior, and it can come from various ways. It can come through sense organ stimulation, administering drugs, and it can be neurologically based.

Once you have the Stimulus then the second part is the “Behavior-Cue.” The “Behavior-Cue” is the internal response, how we feel and process those feelings, our perceptions of color, shape, ect… 

Third is the “Behavior-Object.” The “Behavior-Object” is the process of afixing meaning to the “Behavior-Cue(s)” that are formed. 

This entire process leads us to the fourth concept called the “Behavior-Act.” The “Behavior-Act” is the observable, physical behavior. 

With this format, Tolman believed that the value in this idea rested in its ability to be more successful in treating patients.

 

I did find this reading to be enjoyable despite the arduous deciphering of the ideas presented. Of all that I have read, this short (five pages 10pt type) article proved to be one of the toughest so far. I think I enjoyed it so much because I can relate to the type of thought processes that, I believe, passed through Tolman’s mind. Trying to forge ahead with a new idea amidst detractors on all sides is very difficult, but sticking your neck out anyway and moving forward is somehow its own reward.

From a purely pragmatic view, I think Tolman was on to something. Taking the best of the experimental method, behavioral method, and introspective method seems like a good way to create a better environment for studying behavior. Tolman believed to understand behavior it would have to be seen as a system of interrelated functions. This idea seems very reasonable to me. 

From a Christian perspective, as far as this article is concerned, I will briefly touch on a few problem issues. First, the doctrine on which Behaviorism rests is naturalistic. This means that the material world is the supreme truth, and everything can be accounted for through the expression of natural laws. That would imply that man has no soul and no mind, only a brain that responds to stimuli. Behaviorism relieves man of his responsibility, removes his dignity, and makes freedom impossible. He is reduced to a machine that is, “shaped” as Skinner might say, by those who are able to wield the implements of Behaviorism effectively.

I would like to end this paper with an interesting quote,

“Progress should mean that we are always changing the world to fit the vision, instead we are always changing the vision.”

G.K. Chesterton
Orthodoxy, 1908

Tolman, E. C. (1921, August 5). A New Formula For Behaviorism. Retrieved March 15, 2010, from Classics in the History of Psychology: http://psychclassics.asu.edu/Tolman/formula.htm

TJ

Understanding Others

We commonly believe that we understand others better than they understand us.

The rationale for this stems from our external, objective viewpoint and the assumption that the other person has a significant blind-self, while our own blind-self is small.

There is also asymmetry in the reverse situation -- we believe we understand ourselves better than others understand us and may feel insulted if they try to show they understand us more than we do.

The same effect happens for groups, where the in-group believes they understand out-groups better than out-groups understand them.

Overall, this is a position where we generally assume we know more than others, perhaps because we know more about what we know.

TJ

Root Principle

Having and using a right standard of why we do what we do is important to sound judgment and understanding who we are and why we do what we do. Without a right standard we will be susceptible to the fundamental attribution error.

 Measuring ourselves, our values, and our behaviors using our situation, and excluding our personality traits is equally as dangerous as others judging us by using our personality traits to the exclusion of situational factors in our lives.

The root of just about all of the principles in social psychology usually comes in the form of cognitive bias called the fundamental attribution error. It reveals how people tend to consider their own behavior in a different, biased, way from the way they perceive the behavior of others.

Real Life

Within the world of congregational Christianity, or, one might say, the church world this error has proved to be very invasive. As a minister, there never seems to be a dull moment. Each week brings many and varied challenges that seemingly pop up to derail us from our already overloaded schedule. 

One of the major points of conflict between staff members (ministers) and laity (church members) is understanding the differences between who we are, what we do, and what we deal with everyday. Ask a church member to comment on how effective they believe a particular minister is in their role, and many of the comments will revolve around likes and dislikes pertaining to the minister’s personality. 

In contrast, ask a minister about his effectiveness and you will likely hear about the daily grind, and all of the areas of responsibilities and unforeseen circumstances that make up their ministry. As much as the minister’s tend to lean into the situation, the membership leans much hard into the personality.

It is normal to want to understand why people behave the way they do. It is just natural curiosity for most of us. Using cognitive biases is a standard way for the brain to process human behavior. The problem we need to recognize is that cognitive biases can be wrong. 

Observing someone’s personality can allow us to make quick decisions about that person, but we need to be careful and remain cognizant of our biases so we can consider the alternate explanations for someone’s behavior.

To remedy the fundamental attribution error I try to put myself in the shoes of the other person. I think about what I might do in the same situation. 

By doing these things, I can come up with some situational factors that may lend themselves to the behavior exhibited. I also look for hidden factors to help me better read the other person’s behavior. 

The inverse is also just as important. When I look at my own behavior, I need to avoid the actor-observer effect, and be sure to include my own personality when I am assigning credit for my own actions. 

TJ

Are You Nothing???

The person who risks nothing,

does nothing and becomes nothing

may avoid suffering and sorrow, 

but he simply cannot learn, feel, change,

 grow or love.

 

TJ

What Should I Do With My Life?

Ask yourself the following questions …

1. Do you feel fulfilled and good about yourself when you’re pursuing this activity or job?

2. Is it something you would do, and invest time in, for free? If you had plenty of money, is it the one thing you would do?

3. Do you find time disappears when you’re spending time on this? You can’t believe how quickly the hours just seem to pass?

4. Is it a subject that you talk about, or think of constantly? 

5. When life is really busy do you still find time for this? And when you have no time – it’s the thing you long for most?

TJ

10 Signs It's Time To Let Go

1. Someone expects you to be someone you’re not – Don’t change who you are for anyone else.  It’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than to keep them by being someone you’re not. 

2. A person’s actions don’t match their words – Don’t listen to what people say; watch what they do.  Your true friends will slowly reveal themselves over time.

3. You catch yourself forcing someone to love you – We shouldn’t beg someone to stay when they want to leave.  That’s what love is all about – freedom.  And the end of  love is not the end of life.  Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right person, but the right person is always worth the wait.

4. An intimate relationship is based strictly on physical attraction – Being beautiful outwardly shouldn’t be what defines you. True love sees into the depth of your heart, and values the person you are inside. It loves all the things that make you unique. People who are only attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won’t stay by your side forever.  But the people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you.

5. Someone continuously breaks your trust – Love means giving someone the chance to hurt you, but trusting them not to.  When you completely trust a person you’ll automatically get one of two results - a friend for life or a lesson for life.  Either way there’s a positive outcome.  Either you confirm the fact that this person cares about you, or you get the opportunity to weed them out of your life and make room for those who do. 

6. Someone continuously overlooks your worth – When you give yourself to someone who doesn’t respect you, you surrender pieces of your soul that you’ll never get back.  Sometimes it’s better to let go of someone and accept the fact that they don’t care for you the way you care for them. Let them leave your life quietly. 

7. You are never given a chance to share your views – Sometimes an argument saves a relationship, whereas silence breaks it. Life is about being honest and sharing your happiness with others.

8. You are frequently forced to sacrifice yourself – If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance.  Know when to close the account. 

9. You truly dislike your current situation, routine, job, etc. – The best thing you can do in life is follow your heart.  Take risks.  Don’t just make the safe and easy choices because you’re afraid of what might happen.  If you do, nothing will ever happen. 

10. You catch yourself obsessing over, and living in, the past – What matters most is not the first, but the final chapter of your life. That unveils the details of how well you wrote your story.  So let go of the past, set yourself free, and open your mind to the possibility of new relationships and priceless experiences.

TJ

Things To Do When You Want To Give Up

1. Take some time out to recuperate. You can’t keep going if you’re running on empty.

2. Take a step back to try and gain perspective – as sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees.

3. Attempt to take stock of the current situation. Evaluate what you really want and need.

4. Try to re-evaluate your current strategy. What things are working and what things should you change?

5. Don’t be afraid to change direction if you need to. 

Sometimes that is the best thing – and it opens up new options. 

6. Push through the dip - as we all lose momentum. But if you keep on going, you will get there in the end.

TJ