Christmas is Over, now what?

Why are you holding on to the Past?

1. You can’t, or won’t, talk about it. 

2. You’re constantly being hit by “those same old feelings”. 

3. You can’t relax and be yourself with certain people from your past. 

4. You’re attracted to people who treat you negatively. 

5. You over-react, and find it hard to calm down. 

6. You have poor boundaries, and always feel you’re being used. 

7. You’re always making poor decisions, and repeating old mistakes. 

TJ

Life Can Get Better

1. Let go of anger. When we explode in anger we often feel much worse. Consequently, it’s better to cool off and make an effort to stay calm.

2. When people treat you badly it’s rarely “about you”. More often it tells you how that person is feeling, or some other issue that is troubling them.

3. You’re not the only one who has struggled with your issue of the moment – so don’t feel so bad, or put yourself down.

4. Enjoy the good times and take pleasure in every moment as life is a valuable gift to be enjoyed.

5. Work and be persistent as it’s worth the grind and pain. It is the only way to make lasting success possible.

6. You need to find your passion and set goals if you want to live life to the fullest.

7. All relationships can teach us a great deal about ourselves. Both the good and the bad while revealing who we really are. Our relationships reveal what we think, and how we feel, about ourselves, as well as what our values and our expectations are.

TJ

Oh, The Sky Is Falling! Really?

When we predict how long we will feel about some event, we tend to over-estimate the duration of the emotional impact. Whatever our emotions, although we have ups and downs, we tend to return to a neutral 'home' position within a relatively short time. 

Because of our Durability Bias we tend to overestimate the length and/or the intensity of how we will feel about something in the future. This may be caused by focalism (def - a cognitive bias that describes the common human tendency to rely too heavily on the first piece of information offered (the "anchor") when making decisions.), where people focus too much on the event in question and not enough on other future events.

Research has discovered that football fans were less likely to over-predict how long the outcome of a football game would influence their happiness if they first thought about how much time they would spend on other future activities.

I think about how I would feel if my wife left me. I suspect I would feel very upset and believe I would feel this way for a long time to come. The fact that I might meet someone else before long and change how I feel does not come into my thinking. (If my wife is reading, this is JUST an EXAMPLE :))

What do we do to get past this faulty thinking?

Getting people to think about other events that will happen in the future and how they will react to these will reduce their misperception about how long feelings about current events might last.

You can also do this by getting people to think only about the over-arching impact of a desirable/undesirable event and how long the feelings about this will last.

When thinking about how long you will feel about something, think about the possibilities of other events changing how you feel right now.

If it all sounds contorted and/or complicated it’s not.

We can sum it up in this way: 

Do not let the temporary distract you from the long-term. 

When you were young breaking up with a girl/boy friend seemed like the end of the world. 

Did it actually end?

Just asking… 

TJ

Want To Get Ahead In Life?

Don’t get too wrapped up in your feelings.
Feelings change throughout the day and they are unreliable. Don’t let them rule your life, or interfere with your goals.

Don’t worry so much because worrying, more than likely, will make things worse.
Focusing on your worries will drain your energy, and the source of your worry, what we’re dreading, doesn’t happen anyway.

Stop the caustic internal commentary.
Stop telling yourself that things are going to fall apart, or that you will probably fail, or that no one does, or will like you. Keep trying, moving forward, and keep living your life.

Stop being self-critical.
You must be your own cheerleader and your biggest fan. Keep a journal of your successes, and the times your perseverance, attitude, and inner strength helped you overcome something. Be encouraging and kind, and always lean into what makes you successful.

Stop feeling guilty.
Feeling guilty changes nothing. You are going to make mistakes. Accept you aren’t perfect and then get up and try again.

Stop worrying about what others think of you.
At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what they think. Choose your own goals for your life and remember you’re not accountable to them.

Don’t worry about set-backs or changes to your plans.
Plans always need adjusting and things always go wrong, but that doesn’t mean “it’s over” or you’ll never reach your goals. Expect to make some changes. Just be adaptable.

TJ

Broken

 Let someone love you just the way you are - as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. 

To believe you must hide of all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.

 

TJ

Have You Become Emotionally Numb?

When we experience mild to severe feelings of detachment to the point it’s hard for us to access normal feelings any more, in that moment we are experiencing emotional numbness.

This includes both positive and negative emotions because you can’t just shut off one feeling. Common causes of emotional numbness include different types of stress and/or pain… from receiving bad news … to being in an accident … to recovering from the death of someone close … to a relationship breakup … to feeling deeply humiliated or ashamed.

So how do you overcome emotional numbness?

1. The first thing to do is to choose to value and accept all emotions – no matter what they are. Also, try and grasp the fact that suppressing your emotions will likely lead to heartache and problems later on (because they will more than likely resurface at inappropriate times.)

2. Try to understand that feelings and actions are two very different, and unrelated, things. That is, you can still feel angry without becoming violent – so don’t assume your feelings will affect your actions, too.

3. Try to figure out the message behind intense emotions. Are you angry because you’ve been hurt, used or abused? Are you sad because deep down you feel that you’ll never find true love - as you can’t believe that anyone will love you for who you really are below the surface?

4. Take that risk – and find the courage to ask someone for help. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll know that there are those who genuinely love you – like a true and caring friend. The important thing remember is to not isolate yourself, and to make the extra effort to prioritize self-care. You need other people to help you work through this.

5. Seek professional help if the symptoms persist. There are excellent counselors and therapists out there who have the training and skills to help you to shake the numbness off – so you can live a more fulfilling and healthy life.

6. Be patient with yourself. It’s likely to take time because you will need to learn to trust, and take some barriers down, so you can be yourself again (and that is often hard to do when you’ve experience hurt and pain).

TJ