Myths about Soul Mates

1. The relationship should be natural, easy and uncomplicated:

The truth is that all relationships take time, effort, commitment and energy. You need to make time for each other, to do fun things together, to work on communication, and to learn to negotiate and compromise.


2. The relationship should be conflict free:

Because we are individuals and unique we all disagree with other from time to time, so conflict is natural, and is not something to fear. In fact, conflict can force us to confront our differences, and to grow as individuals, and as couples too.


3. Soul mates are romantic:

Real life is not the movies, and love can be expressed in countless different ways, and still be genuine. Look out for all the signs that show your partner cares, and don’t be disappointed if they’re not “the stereotype”. Don’t try to force them to be someone they cannot be.

4. You should always see things the same way and have the same opinions, outlooks and beliefs:

You both have different backgrounds and your own ways of seeing the world, so you’re going to differ in the way you look at life. That does not have to be a problem – it’s healthy to be different, and approach things from different directions.

5. My soul mate will always like and love me:

Consideration, respect, and a concern for your partner are evidence of a loving relationship. However, being rude and disrespectful or irresponsible are not endearing qualities that build relationships. Instead, we need to give ourselves to others – as it’s not “all about me”.

TJ

Robert Fulghum, True Love

You want my opinion? 

We’re all a little weird. 

And life is a little weird. 

And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.

 

—  Robert Fulghum, True Love

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Brain Networking

 

Researchers use brain scans to determine the mechanism behind cognitive control of thoughts
 
The human brain does not come with an operating manual. However, a group of scientists from UC Santa Barbara and the University of Pennsylvania have developed a way to convert structural brain imaging techniques into “wiring diagrams” of connections between brain regions.

Three researchers from UCSB’s Department of Psychological & Brain Sciences — Michael Miller, Scott Grafton and Matt Cieslak — used the structure of neural networks to reveal the fundamental rules that govern which parts of the brain are most able to exert cognitive control over thoughts and actions. This study is the first to provide a mechanistic explanation for how the frontal cortex exerts control over the trillions of individual neurons that allow people to stay focused on one task or switch to a radically different one. The findings appear in the journal Nature Communications.

“Particular regions of your brain are predisposed to control your thoughts based on where they lie in relation to other regions,” said Miller, a UCSB psychology professor and co-author of the paper. “The regions on the ‘outskirts’ can perform a very specific kind of control. They can move the system to distant states, like switching from working at your job to playing with your kids.”

This new research weds cutting-edge neuroscience with the emerging field of network science, which is often used to study social systems. By applying control theory — a field traditionally used to study electrical and mechanical systems — the investigators show that being on the outskirts of the brain is necessary for the frontal cortex to dynamically control the direction of thoughts and goal-directed behavior. 

“We need a basic theory of how the brain controls itself, and to get there, we suggest treating the brain as an engineering system,” said senior author Danielle Bassett, the Skirkanich Assistant Professor of Innovation in Penn’s School of Engineering and Applied Science. “Cognitive control is a lot like engineering control: You model the system’s dynamics by identifying key points; if I push on that one piece or pull this lever, I can offer a prediction of how it’s going to affect other parts of the network.”

By applying control theory equations to the wiring diagrams generated from brain scans, the researchers showed that the geographical and functional differences between regions of the brain are linked. While the analysis cannot say whether the frontal cortex’s location or its role evolved first, it suggests that part of the frontal cortex’s ability to control executive function depends on its distance from other parts of the brain network. 

“This study heralds a new wave of network science, grounded in rigorous control theory,” said co-author Grafton, director of UCSB’s Brain Imaging Center. “When applied to state-of-the-art brain imaging data we begin to see some of the design tradeoffs inherent in the architecture of brain connections.”

Regions that are most interconnected — and therefore more internal to the network — are very good at moving the brain into nearby states — for example, from writing someone an email to speaking with that person on the phone. “What’s particularly interesting if we look at where those inner nodes are, they’re all in ‘default mode’ regions, which are the regions that are active when you’re resting,” said Bassett, a former postdoctoral research associate in Grafton’s Action Lab at UCSB. “This makes sense, because if you were engineering an optimal system, you would want to put its baseline where it can get to most of the places it has to go pretty easily.”

According to co-author Cieslak, this type of holistic understanding of the relationship between brain regions’ locations and their roles is necessary for tailoring better treatments for people who have lost executive function due to disease or injury. He noted that such fundamental understanding of how the brain controls its activity could help lead to better interventions for medical conditions associated with reduced cognitive control, such as autism, schizophrenia or dementia.

TJ

One Reason So Few Find True Success

"atelophobia"

(noun) Atelophobia is defined as the fear of imperfection. Accompanied with the fear of imperfection also comes thoughts of comparison with others’ goals, accomplishments and expectations. Ultimately, it is the fear of “not being good enough.” Although sentiments of atelophobia are extremely natural, one should seek help, if these feelings plague their mind.

• etymology: Greek, ατελής atelès, meaning “imperfect” or “incomplete” and φόβος, phóbos, “fear”.

TJ

10 Traits of the Mentally Strong

1. They are able to stay calm, and maintain self-control.

2. They have clear boundaries between themselves and other people.

3. They respect their own and others’ boundaries.

4. They don’t become defensive, or feel completely crushed, when someone is critical of them or their work.

5. Where appropriate … they are able to take their fair share of the blame, and are quick to apologize when they are in the wrong.

6. They are flexible, and willing to adapt or change.

7. They know their limitations, and are happy to be helped.

8. They forgive themselves willingly – and then move on with life.

9. They don’t bear grudges, or play games with people’s feelings. 

10. They are responsible, persistent, and are people of their word.

TJ

7 Myths about Anxiety

1. Only weak people feel anxious and afraid

2. People who look confident don’t battle strong emotions

3. Anxiety is something that will plague you all your life

4. It will stop you from succeeding and achieving goals  you’ve set

5. If you can just avoid “those triggers” you will have a happy life

6. Most social situations will always provoke dread

7. It means that others see you as being inferior


TJ

Leadership Lessons I've Learned

Successful leaders bring up issues others avoid.

Discomfort with discomfort invites you to ignore issues you should address. 

You can’t engage in transformational conversations by ignoring things.

Don’t minimize negative patterns by offering comfort.

TJ

Success

The Inevabilities of Success

1. You will feel pain.


2. You will experience discouragement.


3. You will want to give up.

4. People won’t understand you.

5. People will criticize you.

6. People will walk away from, and reject, you.


7. You will feel it’s impossible to persevere.


8. You will want to give up - a million times.


9. You will think that you’re going crazy and are losing your mind.


10. It will all be worth it in the end.

TJ

Teamwork :)

TJ

Stoics and Epicureans

The Hellenistic period began with Alexander the Great taking the throne of Macedon in 336 B.C., and it lasted to the death of Cleopatra VII of Egypt in 30 B.C. Alexander's successful invasion of the Persian Empire has been noted as a starting point. The period came to a close after the Near and Middle East, between Rome and the Iranian kingdom of Parthia was divided.
Stoicism was a new philosophical movement that began during the Hellenistic period. Stoicism got its name from the porch in the Agora at Athens were people gathered and held lectures. Zeno of Citium (334-262 B.C.) is credited with being the founder of stoic philosophy. It is, however, the follow-up to materialism and Plato. The ultimate goal of stoicism is wisdom. The idea of the philosopher had been of a supreme power which was a principle rather than a person (Bryant, p. 28). The main edict given by stoicism was that one should be free from all worldly demands, and achieve wisdom by recognizing that one needs to harmonize personal desires and nature. Being frugal and unconcerned is the worldview of the stoic person. The stoic theory of knowledge turns about the enquiry after a criterion or standard by which what is true in our notions may be distinguished from what is false (Zeller, p.74). The Stoics did hold the position that emotions like fear and envy either came from, or out of, false thinking, and that a person who would be considered a sage was one who had attained moral and intellectual perfection and would not experience this type of faulty thinking. Stoics also adhered to the idea that the soul was a blank slate and that character was developed experientially from the outside world.

The fundamental idea of self-discipline has its roots in stoic philosophy. Epictetus being a student of Zeno helped firmly implant stoicism into the Roman culture. Of all of the Greek philosophical system transplanted to Rome, Stoicism was probably the most successful (Albert, p. 66). The Stoics identify as a moral people those who live in accordance with the dictates of reason (Albert, p. 67). They actually believe that happiness does not depend on having material wealth or success, but on the character of the individual is based on rationality or logic arising from knowledge. The origins of knowledge, in the Stoic system, enter the mind through the senses. This is the where the blank-slate theory comes in to the picture. The knowledge which enters through the senses is inscribed on the blank-slate.

From the ethical perspective, virtue is a good in itself. Good consists of acting in accordance with nature. Therefore, stoicism is somewhat deterministic in its approach because it says that a person can do nothing but conform to nature, and when there is a balance between virtue and nature wisdom is obtained. The stoic teaches that the universe is governed by absolute law without exceptions. They also teach that the essential nature of humans is reason. Seneca had a famous saying which seems to sum their ideas up, “Live according to nature.”

Epicurean philosophy, unlike the Stoic philosophy which embodied forms and ideas, was born from Atomism. Atomism basically says that 2 thing make up the universe, moving atoms and void (a giant black nothingness) which is basically a radical materialism. Epicurean philosophy is a mutually dependent system which says that the goal of human life (happiness, resulting from absence of physical pain and mental disturbance), a pragmatic theory of knowledge, an account of nature built on a form of atomistic materialism, and a naturalistic explanation of evolution, that spans the creation of the world to the appearance of human civilization. To put their system into layman’s terms is means they believe happiness equals pleasure. Epicureans believe that they should never do something without considering the pleasure it will yield. The level of pleasure received has a direct correlation on if it should be done. The real flaw in their thinking is that is pleasure equals the absence of pain, then to not be living would be preferable to life at all. According to Epicurus, it is not the state of the body, but the state of the mind. Bodily pleasure is of short duration, and has much of a disturbing character about it (Zeller, p. 451). However, Epicureans should be consistent in their beliefs and they are not. If they are consistent with their principles, (they) cannot deny that the bodily pleasure is the earlier form, and likewise the ultimate source, of all pleasure (Zeller, 451).

A mark of Epicureanism is friendship. The Epicurean philosopher places a high value on friendship because it is one of the greatest methods of achieving pleasure. Friendship provides the greatest security. They believe that a life without friends is lonely and full of trouble.

The basis for the Epicurean thought process is very empiricist and anti-skeptical. They believe that all of our knowledge comes though the senses, similar to the Stoics, and that we can trust the senses when used correctly. Unlike the Stoic belief that virtue is a good in and of itself, Epicureans believe that virtue contributes to happiness. There is a huge difference in this belief between the schools of thought. Virtue, or doing right because it is right (Stoicism), and virtue, or doing right because it makes one happy (Epicureanism) can often lead to very divergent places. If it makes me happy to take your car, am I doing the right thing? The Epicurean type of virtue, more often than not, leads to plain old hedonism, which means that the only good is found in what brings me pleasure, and anything else of value is only a tool to use to bring me the pleasurable experience. Epicurus, however, offered some idiosyncratic views about pleasure which is supposed to lead to a virtuous life without as much hedonistic influence. Hedonistic behavior is often attributed to Epicurean philosophy, but it is a common misconception.

In The Extant Remains, Bailey offers a final thought from Epicurus that gives insight to his eternal outlook,

“Some men throughout their lives gather together the means of life, for they do not see that the draught swallowed by all of us at birth is a draught of death. Against all else it is possible to provide security, but as against death all of us mortals alike dwell in an unfortified city...[But] I have anticipate thee, Fortune, and entrenched myself against all thy secret attacks. And we will not give ourselves up as captives to thee or any other circumstance; but when it is time for us to go, spitting contempt on life and on those who here vainly cling to it, we will leave life crying aloud in a glorious triumph-song that we have lived well. We must try to make the end of the journey better than the beginning, as long as we are journeying; but when we come to the end, we must be happy and content…Meditate therefore on these things and things akin to them night and day by yourself, and with a companion like yourself, and never shall you be disturbed waking or asleep, but you shall live like a god among men. For a man who lives among immortal blessings is not like a mortal being” (Albert, p. 63).


Crudelius est quam mori semper timere mortem
It is crueller to be always afraid of dying than to die

Albert, D. P. (1984). Great Traditions In Ethics. Belmont: Wadsworth, Inc.

Bryant, J. H. (1866). The Mutual Influence of Christianity and The Stoic School. London: Macmillan and Co.

Zeller, D. E. (1870 ). Stocis, Epicureans, and Sceptics. London: Longmans, Green, and Co.

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Things I Learned from Job (of the Old Testament)

Things I Learned from Job

Most people look for simple/quick answers to just about every life event. In the Book of Job, God presents the basic argument that life is too complicated for the simple answers we all seek. When we try to analyze our situations by looking to God for simple answers, we are most often asking Him for information, that if He gave it to us, we would never be able to understand. God is telling Job, and us, that He (God) is the only one who can deal with the trials that often come into our lives. Our role, at this point in any situation, is to trust God and continue to bring Him glory by our responses to the good and the bad. Although Job's life was filled with tragedy, he continued to "worship" God in those times. The Book of Job gives us a great picture of God's response to Job's faithfulness, "and Job died, and old man, and full of days" (Job 42:17, RSV). 

Human suffering continues to be a result of Satan's original challenge to the hierarchy God established in the beginning. Job, as far as we know while alive, was never given an answer for his suffering. Likewise, we will more than likely never have exhaustive answers to suffering we face in life. The lesson from Job is that there will be times of suffering and hardship in life and we will never have the total picture. Most of the time God will not reveal the "reason(s)" for the struggle, but our role is to trust His plan and to bring Him glory through our actions in those times of struggle. Our witness before a lost world often depends more on how we behave (actions) than what we say.  

Bottom Line:
We need to trust God's plan, because life is too complicated to handle alone.

Verba docent, exempla trahunt
"Words instruct, illustrations lead"

TJ

Leadership (vs Management)

Leading and managing are not necessarily synonyms.
Some leaders can manage, but the converse is not as common.

Efficiency orientation

Focusing on objectives, tasks and achievements. Setting challenging goals and supporting appropriate planning. Facilitating overcoming of obstacles. Encouraging people to act in this way.

Concern with impact

Demonstrating a significant interest in power and its symbols. Use of power-oriented behavior such as using various methods of influence, seeking positions of power, etc.

Proactivity

Showing a strong belief in individual self-control and self-driven action. Acting without waiting for full agreement or authorization. Taking responsibility for actions. Acting to dissuade defensive and risk-averse behavior. 

Self-confidence

Showing belief in self, values and ideas. Able to talk decisively and take confident and decisive action. Communicating this self-confidence to others and hence instilling confidence in them.

Oral presentation skill

Able to speak well, using effective language, modes of speech and body language. Uses effective symbolism and metaphor in words and actions. Appropriate use of visual aids.

Conceptualization

Uses inductive reasoning to identify patterns and relationships. Able to create models and symbols to communicate these concepts. Uses synthetic and creative thinking to develop further ideas and solutions.

Diagnostic use of concepts

Able to use deductive reasoning to convert models and ideas into specific instances and possibilities. Concepts are turned into practical and useful tools.

Use of socialized power

Developing networks and hierarchies of people and mobilizing them to to achieve specific ends. Acts as a person in the middle to resolve conflicts and bring people together. 

Managing group processes

Building the identity of groups and people in them. Building common goals and objectives. Developing group roles. Creating ways of working together and facilitating teamwork.




Historia est vitae magistra 
History is the tutor of life

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Don't Have Regrets. 12 Things You Need To Know.

Life is full of choices, and many of them come with uncertainty.

We can never know what might have been if we had chosen differently.


No life will ever be completely clear of opportunity for regret. 

Failed relationships, missed opportunities, poor judgment calls. 

Some choices seem easy at the time and later turn out to have been poorly informed; others are difficult from the beginning.



But some regrets are more fundamental, greater in scope. 

They tend not to focus on a single moment or area, but how life is lived.

Here are a dozen potential regrets to make sure you're keeping far away.



1. I wish I had spent more time with the people I love.

It's easy to let that time slip away, but once it's gone you can never get it back.



2. I wish I had worried less.


Worry is just using your imagination to create the things you don't want.



3. I wish I had forgiven more.


It takes a strong person to say "I'm sorry," and an even stronger person to forgive. Forgive and let go--free yourself from grudges and enjoy happiness instead of wasting it.

 4. I wish I had stood up for myself.


Never allow yourself to be bullied or silenced. No one is more important in this world than you are.



5. I wish I had lived my own life.


Spend your time now working on the things you want to accomplish--or even try. Build a business, cultivate a great career, build a family, run a marathon. The greatest success lies in living your life in your own way.



6. I wish I had been more honest.


If you don't own up to your own elemental truth, falsehood will ultimately end up owning you. Honesty is the clearest path.



7. I wish I had worked less.


Working constantly for something you don't passionately care about adds nothing but stress to your life. And even if the passion is there, keep your workload in balance with the rest of your life.



8. I wish I had cared less about what other people think.


Stop wasting your moments on other people's opinions. Ultimately they are just opinions from those who don't fully share your reality.



9. I wish I had lived up to my full potential.


Live up to your own aspirations, not down to others' expectations. There is no passion to be found in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.



10. I wish I had faced my fears.


Life is found in the distance between your deepest desire and your greatest fear. Remember, fear is only temporary, but regret lasts forever.



11. I wish I'd stopped chasing the wrong things.


When you let the wrong things go, you can give the right things a chance to catch you.



12. I wish I'd lived more in the moment.


Make a difference today. Make it a day worth remembering.



TJ

Leadership 101

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How to be Thick-Skinned

1. Don’t take criticism personally. Instead, realize that criticism says more about them than it does about you.

2. Distinguish between facts and subjectivity. Most criticisms are just personal opinions. They are not objective and they do not reflect the truth.

3. Look at the beliefs you hold about yourself. Do you feel defensive and under attack because you do not believe in yourself?

4. Learn what you can from any comments that are made – and discard the rest as being useless information. 

5. Decide not to ruminate on barbs or criticisms - as that will reinforce the faulty message in your brain.

6. Choose to spend more time with people who’re affirming – and minimize the time you spend with those who put you down.

7. Look for a role model who can handle criticism – and try to copy them, so you become more thick skinned, too.

TJ

Leadership Wisdom

Leaders create environments and relationships where others change themselves.

We are transitioning from a knowledge-based to a wisdom-based economy.   It’s no longer about what you know, but what you do with what you know.   When leaders lack subject matter expertise, they fail to develop the wisdom to communicate effectively.

Leaders who lack confidence are poor communicators. They may have a tendency to overcompensate by being loud and obnoxious. They create a lot of noise and say more than what is required to appear important – in an effort to hide their insecurities and self-trust about the subject matter.

Most leaders will not admit to their vulnerability – but it becomes quite apparent through their poor communication skills.

When leaders are inconsistent communicators, it makes it difficult for others to rely upon their leadership and take action.

When leaders believe they can change others they adopt strategies and behaviors that create resistance in others. Leaders don’t change others.

 

Ineffective leaders spend too much time thinking about changing others and not enough thinking about changing themselves.

TJ