How to Feel More Content With Life

1. Take a moment to be grateful for something. What in your life is good, or makes you happy? Even if everything seems to be bad, there must be at least one good thing. Find something, and begin by being grateful for that.

2. Catch yourself thinking, “This sucks.” It’s amazing how often people think this thought. It might be in different words, but if you catch yourself going down that road, stop and try and reverse the thinking. Find a way to see something good or beneficial in your situation.

3. Find the little things that bring you joy. Find the simple things that make you happy, and focus on those rather than on what is wrong, or what you don’t have.

4. Identify things about yourself that you’re actually happy with. We tend to criticize and put ourselves down. Try and break that habit by asking yourself, “What do I do right? What am I good at? Make a list, and keep adding to every day. Then, start to focus on those things rather than on the negatives.

5. Use the same approach with others in your life. Instead of attacking them, or focusing on their flaws and shortcomings, ask yourself, “What is good about this person? What do I like about them?”

TJ

Ethical Decision-Making

I believe that most people do not necessarily have an interest in doing what is ethical, but they are enamored with doing what makes them happy. In ministry when ethics have come to the forefront of the conversation, people, almost without fail, start with themselves and what they want in a particular situation. By far the most common starting place is happiness. Most people I engage in conversation want to be happy. The problem begins when we use happiness as a foundation for ethics. I do not believe most people consciously start with a mindset that says “I’m going to be self-centered,” but time after time that is the reality of what they are saying whether they know it or not. To reach their ethical decisions they will rationalize situations. That form of thinking, at best is veiled self-interest. 

TJ

Christmas Party Piano by Boyce Hawkins

Great Classic Christmas Music. 

You will want to hear this!!!

Aviodance or Attraction

Some people are motivated more by doing things, whilst others are motivated more by avoiding things. 

Attraction

People who are driven towards doing things tend to have positive goals and seek to achieve specific things. They are forward-looking and see the world as being full of opportunity. They generally have a passion and desire to succeed in order to gain either specific rewards or general recognition. To achieve this, they are more open and ready to explore new experiences.

They focus is largely on the future and when they have achieved something they may even forget about it in the headlong charge into further challenges.

Some people have problems with this in that they are attracted to too many things. They dart from one opportunity to another, seeking gratification all over the place. They may be looking for something and they may not yet know what they want.

Avoidance

Those who are driven to avoid things something look like they are attracted to the things they are actually doing, but they are actually looking more over their shoulder than in front of them. For example people who are very energetic at work may be driven more by a worry about failure or criticism than by an attraction towards achievement.

Those who are avoidance-driven focus more by their fears than their desires (which may well be fears in disguise). They may also be more prone to disgust. They may well also be more closed to the world, avoiding problems simply by keeping the doors to their world closed.

Avoidance can be a high-stress preference. We may be generally driven by attraction when things are going well, but when we are threatened or otherwise experience high levels of stress, we may use an avoidance strategy to get away from that discomfort.

A problem with avoidance when compared to attraction is that there are many directions in which to run away from something, yet only one way you can run towards something. Motivating a person by triggering avoidance is not necessarily a helpful approach.

Discussion

Attraction and avoidance are related to the fight-or-flight response, where attraction and fighting lead to moving towards a target, while avoidance and flight are about moving away from it. The major difference is that fight and flight are immediate and unthinking reactions to threat. Attraction and avoidance often have cognitive elements and may well be both slower and more persistent over time.

In a similar way, attraction and avoidance are related to pleasure and pain. In particular, we are attracted to pleasurable activities and avoid painful experiences. 

 
Therefore:

For those who are driven by attraction, seek their passions and lay opportunity in their path. They will swoop towards what you are offering.

For those driven by avoidance, point out the problems of the past and the dangers of the present. Show them a future where they can at least avoid the worst of the problems they face.

When you have a choice, be a shepherd. A sheep runs in any direction to get away from a sheepdog, making it work extra hard, whilst it runs towards the shepherd who stands in one place and calls them.

TJ

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving - Thanksgiving

Open is Happy

Ontology is 'the metaphysical study of the nature of being and existence'. This whole field of study considers what it is to be. We don't just exist: we exist in external contexts in the world. We also exist in internal contexts, where our state of mind frames and changes everything else we perceive. And the great thing about consciousness and human volition is that you can choose your ontological state. In other words, you can decide how you will be. This does not mean you can be happy 100% of the time just by deciding it. Deliberately being in any given state takes a degree of will and work. You can decide to be happy and, with enough skill and effort, be happy significantly more of the time than you would be otherwise. Many of us live in a state of closure, where any new ideas are ignored, criticized or otherwise pushed away. Closure is a state where the doors of the mind are, literally, closed. It is a state where defending existing ideas, beliefs, values, mental models and so on is the prime response. A good argument is one where you win and the opponents (who are always wrong) lose. Being closed is, in some ways, comfortable. It is staying with what is seen as the tried and true. However it is also a state of embattlement, where you are constantly having to repel boarders.  People who are mostly closed seek like-minded people, where there is a tacit agreement not to challenge ideas. In fact much of the conversation is spent reinforcing those ideas and scoffing at the rest of the world. Their lives are as predictable as they are comfortably numb, with emotions held at arms length and meaningless habits the sole source of sustenance. To be open is to live with a sense of curiosity, where every moment is an opportunity for learning, where existing ideas, mental models and beliefs are temporary and flexible. What others have to say is always interesting, and a good dialogue is one where you learn something new or are persuaded to think differently in some way. Being open means seeing things both as they really are (as opposed to through the lens of fixed though) and also as how they could be. The world is seen as alive, dynamic and full of opportunity. Being open is exciting and interesting. It can also be tiring when you have been drinking at the hosepipe of discovery for too long. Being open does need rest periods, when you can digest your new learning, integrating it into your current (though loose) models of understanding. Being open does not necessarily mean never being closed, but it does mean being open by default and being in that state for most of the time. People who are mostly open seek new experiences and conversation with strangers. Their friends may be highly diverse and the company they frequent is likely to be others who are also open to challenging thought. Their lives do have pattern, though the patterns are of exploration and difference rather than similarity and similarity. TJ

How to Deal with Rejection

1. Remind yourself of who you really are – and use positive self-talk to change the way you feel.

2. When you have to speak to someone who outwardly rejects you try to act as if you love and feel good about yourself. Fake courageous feelings, and act self confident. (“Fake it till you make it” – and you’ll find your feelings change.)

3. Respond in a friendly, self-respecting way and they’re likely to treat you the same way too. Control your interactions by setting the tone. You will be the one with the upper hand.

4. Use humor in uncomfortable and awkward situations. Humor defuses tension, and puts people at ease. If someone is rude or insulting try to find a way of turning it into a joke. People who have bullying tendencies expect you to get anger or act in a defensive way. When you respond with humor, they don’t know what to do.

5. Overlook small stuff. It’s not worth get upset over every little thing. They’re not worth the effort and energy.

6. Always believe in yourself. You know the truth about who you really are. You’re not stupid; you’re not a victim. You are one who is charge of your life. You have plenty of things to feel good about.


TJ

Leadership 101 Continued...

USE THE LINK BELOW AND LEARN!
Must read article for ANYONE in a LEADERSHIP role

TJ

How to Improve your Confidence

1. Be willing to fail more often because that means you’re taking on more challenges, and being prepared to try, learn and grow. 

 

2. Keep track of improvements, positive changes, successes, growth and accomplishments. Write them down.

3. Don’t compare yourself to other people. The only person you’re competing against is yourself. Also, DO NOT compare your struggles with other peoples’ successes and high points.

4. Work on your posture and your fitness levels. They affect our appearance, and how we feel about ourselves.

5. Don’t just hang out with people you are comfortable with. Also, intentionally gravitate towards those who are new or different.

6. We’re influenced by those that we spend time with. So, make friends with people who have values and exhibit good character.

7. Be a true friend to yourself – and shut off any commentary that is negative, attacking and lacking in compassion.

8. Commit to practicing these different skills because they’ll take root in time, and change the way you act and feel.

TJ

Are You A Confident Person

1. You know who you are, what you want from life, where you are going, and the steps to take you there.

2. You’re highly motivated by your dreams, your goals and passions.

3. You’re in touch with your emotions, and are highly self aware.

4. You can calm yourself down when strong emotions have been stirred.

5. You are positive and focused, and you always persevere.

6. You are flexible, adaptable, and like to stretch and grow.

7. You accept yourself and others, and are honest and empathic.

8. You value others’ contributions and you see the best in them.

TJ

Success

At some point there is NO EXCUSE.

Either you want to do EVERYTHING it takes to MAKE it happen or you don’t.

 

 

TJ

Myths about Soul Mates

1. The relationship should be natural, easy and uncomplicated:

The truth is that all relationships take time, effort, commitment and energy. You need to make time for each other, to do fun things together, to work on communication, and to learn to negotiate and compromise.


2. The relationship should be conflict free:

Because we are individuals and unique we all disagree with other from time to time, so conflict is natural, and is not something to fear. In fact, conflict can force us to confront our differences, and to grow as individuals, and as couples too.


3. Soul mates are romantic:

Real life is not the movies, and love can be expressed in countless different ways, and still be genuine. Look out for all the signs that show your partner cares, and don’t be disappointed if they’re not “the stereotype”. Don’t try to force them to be someone they cannot be.

4. You should always see things the same way and have the same opinions, outlooks and beliefs:

You both have different backgrounds and your own ways of seeing the world, so you’re going to differ in the way you look at life. That does not have to be a problem – it’s healthy to be different, and approach things from different directions.

5. My soul mate will always like and love me:

Consideration, respect, and a concern for your partner are evidence of a loving relationship. However, being rude and disrespectful or irresponsible are not endearing qualities that build relationships. Instead, we need to give ourselves to others – as it’s not “all about me”.

TJ

Robert Fulghum, True Love

You want my opinion? 

We’re all a little weird. 

And life is a little weird. 

And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.

 

—  Robert Fulghum, True Love

T

Brain Networking

 

Researchers use brain scans to determine the mechanism behind cognitive control of thoughts
 
The human brain does not come with an operating manual. However, a group of scientists from UC Santa Barbara and the University of Pennsylvania have developed a way to convert structural brain imaging techniques into “wiring diagrams” of connections between brain regions.

Three researchers from UCSB’s Department of Psychological & Brain Sciences — Michael Miller, Scott Grafton and Matt Cieslak — used the structure of neural networks to reveal the fundamental rules that govern which parts of the brain are most able to exert cognitive control over thoughts and actions. This study is the first to provide a mechanistic explanation for how the frontal cortex exerts control over the trillions of individual neurons that allow people to stay focused on one task or switch to a radically different one. The findings appear in the journal Nature Communications.

“Particular regions of your brain are predisposed to control your thoughts based on where they lie in relation to other regions,” said Miller, a UCSB psychology professor and co-author of the paper. “The regions on the ‘outskirts’ can perform a very specific kind of control. They can move the system to distant states, like switching from working at your job to playing with your kids.”

This new research weds cutting-edge neuroscience with the emerging field of network science, which is often used to study social systems. By applying control theory — a field traditionally used to study electrical and mechanical systems — the investigators show that being on the outskirts of the brain is necessary for the frontal cortex to dynamically control the direction of thoughts and goal-directed behavior. 

“We need a basic theory of how the brain controls itself, and to get there, we suggest treating the brain as an engineering system,” said senior author Danielle Bassett, the Skirkanich Assistant Professor of Innovation in Penn’s School of Engineering and Applied Science. “Cognitive control is a lot like engineering control: You model the system’s dynamics by identifying key points; if I push on that one piece or pull this lever, I can offer a prediction of how it’s going to affect other parts of the network.”

By applying control theory equations to the wiring diagrams generated from brain scans, the researchers showed that the geographical and functional differences between regions of the brain are linked. While the analysis cannot say whether the frontal cortex’s location or its role evolved first, it suggests that part of the frontal cortex’s ability to control executive function depends on its distance from other parts of the brain network. 

“This study heralds a new wave of network science, grounded in rigorous control theory,” said co-author Grafton, director of UCSB’s Brain Imaging Center. “When applied to state-of-the-art brain imaging data we begin to see some of the design tradeoffs inherent in the architecture of brain connections.”

Regions that are most interconnected — and therefore more internal to the network — are very good at moving the brain into nearby states — for example, from writing someone an email to speaking with that person on the phone. “What’s particularly interesting if we look at where those inner nodes are, they’re all in ‘default mode’ regions, which are the regions that are active when you’re resting,” said Bassett, a former postdoctoral research associate in Grafton’s Action Lab at UCSB. “This makes sense, because if you were engineering an optimal system, you would want to put its baseline where it can get to most of the places it has to go pretty easily.”

According to co-author Cieslak, this type of holistic understanding of the relationship between brain regions’ locations and their roles is necessary for tailoring better treatments for people who have lost executive function due to disease or injury. He noted that such fundamental understanding of how the brain controls its activity could help lead to better interventions for medical conditions associated with reduced cognitive control, such as autism, schizophrenia or dementia.

TJ

One Reason So Few Find True Success

"atelophobia"

(noun) Atelophobia is defined as the fear of imperfection. Accompanied with the fear of imperfection also comes thoughts of comparison with others’ goals, accomplishments and expectations. Ultimately, it is the fear of “not being good enough.” Although sentiments of atelophobia are extremely natural, one should seek help, if these feelings plague their mind.

• etymology: Greek, ατελής atelès, meaning “imperfect” or “incomplete” and φόβος, phóbos, “fear”.

TJ

10 Traits of the Mentally Strong

1. They are able to stay calm, and maintain self-control.

2. They have clear boundaries between themselves and other people.

3. They respect their own and others’ boundaries.

4. They don’t become defensive, or feel completely crushed, when someone is critical of them or their work.

5. Where appropriate … they are able to take their fair share of the blame, and are quick to apologize when they are in the wrong.

6. They are flexible, and willing to adapt or change.

7. They know their limitations, and are happy to be helped.

8. They forgive themselves willingly – and then move on with life.

9. They don’t bear grudges, or play games with people’s feelings. 

10. They are responsible, persistent, and are people of their word.

TJ

7 Myths about Anxiety

1. Only weak people feel anxious and afraid

2. People who look confident don’t battle strong emotions

3. Anxiety is something that will plague you all your life

4. It will stop you from succeeding and achieving goals  you’ve set

5. If you can just avoid “those triggers” you will have a happy life

6. Most social situations will always provoke dread

7. It means that others see you as being inferior


TJ

Leadership Lessons I've Learned

Successful leaders bring up issues others avoid.

Discomfort with discomfort invites you to ignore issues you should address. 

You can’t engage in transformational conversations by ignoring things.

Don’t minimize negative patterns by offering comfort.

TJ

Success

The Inevabilities of Success

1. You will feel pain.


2. You will experience discouragement.


3. You will want to give up.

4. People won’t understand you.

5. People will criticize you.

6. People will walk away from, and reject, you.


7. You will feel it’s impossible to persevere.


8. You will want to give up - a million times.


9. You will think that you’re going crazy and are losing your mind.


10. It will all be worth it in the end.

TJ

Teamwork :)

TJ